


On The Edge, Looking Up

by On_LITERAL_mars



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Adding more character tags as I go, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), F/F, F/M, Illegal Activities, Komahina is unhealthy, M/M, Skating, Soudas a simp for Miss Sonia per usual, Unhealthy Relationships, toxic parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:13:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25543423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/On_LITERAL_mars/pseuds/On_LITERAL_mars
Summary: Hajime leads an incredibly average life. He’s a person nobody spares a second glance. Someone nobody ever paid attention to. That soon changes and he realizes that there’s a difference between good attention and bad attention.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Pekoyama Peko
Comments: 32
Kudos: 79





	1. Ultimate Festival

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not sure why it’s showing the 1/1 thing on the outside but maybe it’ll fix itself when I post the second chapter. Happy reading!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This sucks,” Komaeda declared with a pout. Hajime was curious, “Why’s that?” He asked, locking eyes with the shorter boy. Short, yet he managed to make Hajime feel so small.

“Hajime—sweetie—“ His mother called after him that particular morning. He was leaving for school at that exact moment, his dad was currently waiting for him in the car. “Make sure you remember to stop by the store today. We need flour and milk and your father and I are working late!” She yelled from the door. He was listening to her but he was also throwing his backpack in the car. “Okay! Bye mom, love you!”  
“Love you too, Haji.” She said finally. 

And with one more smile and wave of the hand, she disappeared back inside. Hajime made a mental note to stop by the store that afternoon. It wasn’t like he’d forget. His memory was pretty okay but still. “Have you decided what you’re gonna do for the Ultimate Festival?” His dad asked out of nowhere. 

Immediately, Hajime wished the car ride was over. “Um...not yet. It’s still in a few months, y’know.” In other words; he was majorly fucked. He didn’t have a single clue what he wanted to do yet and it was eating at him. Everything Hajime did, he was okay at. Okay grades, okay art, okay writing. 

He wasn’t particularly exceptional in anything. That wasn’t self-deprivation, either, it was the truth. Hinata Hajime was painfully average and the Ultimate Festival hung over his head as a constant, gloomy, reminder. So not only did he not have a clue of what he wanted to do, it felt as if he was never meant to be part of it anyway. It wasn’t like he had anything to offer in the first place. “Hmm. A few months will go by in a snap, kiddo.” His dad said. 

“It feels like you have forever but you really don’t. It pays to go ahead and start thinking about what you want to do.” Hajime wanted to tell him that he’d already been doing that but it was useless. If he did, his dad would suggest a pie chart. His dad had the unmoving opinion that lists and diagrams and graphs fix every problem. Hajime yawned, a testament to how way too tired he was to have a mini math class with his father right now. “You’re right and I will.” The conversation was left at that, as his dad wasn’t really a talker. 

The rest of the car ride was silent and comfortable and when Hopes Peak came into view, Hajimes' inner turmoil over the Ultimate Festival melted away. Isn’t it crazy how this school was the source of his stress but at the same time, the source of his happiness? “Bye, dad!” He says, pulling his backpack over a shoulder and blending in with the car rider crowd. Hopes Peak itself was beautiful and looming and impossibly intimidating. It was a pretty good representation of the students it held. 

The ultimates.

These kids were Hajime's happiness. Or, at least a particular group of them. He liked his whole class—most of the time that is—but he mainly hung out with three of them. That was Souda, who was already waiting on him at the breakfast table, Kuzuryuu who never got to school until the very last minute, and Nanami didn’t eat in the lunchroom in the mornings. He was fine for it to be just him and Souda, anyway.

They usually didn’t do anything but talk shit. “Hey, hey, hey, Hinata.” His friend beamed. He looked so happy that the thread holding him together was just narrowly avoiding a Souda-plosion. One that would end with his perverted thinking permanently staining Hajime. Because make no mistake, this happiness was undoubtedly because of a girl. “What did you do,” Is all Hajime could say.

Souda has the nerve to look hurt, his head cocked at an angle. “It’s not what I did, it’s what Miss Sonia did for me. Look, look,” He shoved his phone in his face. There, at the top of the screen was the contact info of the ultimate princess, Soudas mega crush. “Look, man, do you see it!? She gave me her number!!” He laughed. “Pinch me, man, I must be fucking dreaming.”  
“So am I,” Hajime squinted at the phone to make sure it wasn’t somehow a fake. 

Was Souda serious? “Seriously, what the hell did you do?” His mind supplied a plethora of explanations. None of them were good. Hajime loved Souda, he really did. But he most definitely had a few screws loose somewhere and Hajime can’t imagine how a princess, of all people, would overlook something like that. “Is she tied up in your basement or something?” Souda hit his shoulder. “Hinata! That’s so tasteless!” He scolded. 

Now it was Hajime's turn to laugh. “Besides, I wouldn’t tie her up.”  
“—what the hell, Souda.”  
“I’d give her a ball and chain so she could move around. Free-range like a cow, or something.”  
“Please change the subject.” Hajime straight up begged. “God, please change the subject.”  
“But you haven’t even heard how I got her number yet,” Souda whined and Hajime gave him the go-ahead to continue, albeit reluctantly. The short version of the events is Sonia's grandmother is coming to live with them for a while. 

And because their mansion is so big and extravagant, they need a machine to help her get up and down the stairs. So Sonia is commissioning Souda for his expertise. Therefore, giving him her number so they could stay in contact. Souda even let Hajime go through the texts, the way he smiled you would think they’d had an actual conversation but it was just price negotiations. At one point Souda had to explain what a drill was and why it could be expensive. 

Hajime had to laugh. “What’s so funny? I thought the thing about the drill was definitely an innuendo. Am I reading too much into it?” Asked Souda, he took his phone back so he could study the messages once more. “No, absolutely not,” Hajime humored him. “There is nothing that says innuendo like a girl that doesn’t know what a drill is.” Souda gave him a flat look. 

That was the end of the Sonia conversation but only because Souda had ADHD like a bitch and his head ran so fast—sometimes he got motion sick in the middle of sentences. It’s just how he was wired and Hajime wouldn’t change him. The ultimate mechanic. Class starts way too soon and Hajime is thrown into a test he totally forgot to study for(he gets an okay grade). From there, social studies, and math. English was his favorite class of the day. 

Was that because Nanami's older sister taught that class and always gave Nanami details on the lesson plan? Maybe. Either way, Usami-Sensei was really cool. “Hello everyone,” She said as she entered the class, shutting the door behind her. She had the same sleepy eyes as Nanami, but with teeth and a smile that almost reminded Hajime of a bunny. “Nidai, Owari, please refrain from using such vile language. Quiet the Devas, Tanaka, class is beginning.” The everyday warnings were issued and she got on to the lesson. 

If Hajime remembered correctly, today they were starting a group project. “—groups of four. Tsumiki, please pass these papers out. They go into detail about what this project is about. At its core, it’s about teamwork and getting along but the essay and presentation count as a grade, as well.” The papers said the exact thing Usami-Sensei said. They needed to agree on a topic, make a physical representation, and an essay on top of that. How many people did she say were in one group? Four? 

Hajime huffed and straightened his tie. This was gonna be a hassle. He hoped to dear god he didn’t get Owari like last time. She hardly did any work yet managed to be so distracting. So, so distracting. 

Please let him get Nanami, they worked great together. Please, please, please. “-Do I ever let you choose groups, Mr. Souda? Then Of course not,” Usami-Sensei reprimanded Souda who was complaining as usual. “Now then, the groups are as follows; Owari, Hinata”—goddamnit—“Sonia, and komaeda. Saionji, Pekoyama, Kuzuryuu, and Tanaka”— Fricking, Kuzuryuu, that lucky bastard. At this point, Hajime zones out. 

He couldn’t hear Usami-Sensai over the sound of him being literally fucked. Sonia was a pretty good partner, perhaps between the two of them, they could get a ‘C+. Maybe even an B, god willing. He never worked with that other kid, Komaeda, he’s called. He turned around to find him and saw him sitting at the back of the class, far right corner. 

Hajime stopped breathing for a second. This kid was hardcore staring at him. He had his eyebrows furrowed like Hajime disgusted him. It made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Something about the way those cool tone eyes looked at him gave him a chill. 

He snapped his head back to the front and once again, fixed his tie. How the hell was this project thing gonna go? He couldn’t help but fear the worst. “Hinata, dude,” Souda punched him. “Ow?” He responded, standing up. 

Having to look down at Souda while he got cussed out was kind’ve humorous in its own right. “You better not try any funny business with Miss Sonia!” He warned seriously. Hinata couldn’t help but roll his eyes. They’ve been over this a hundred times. “I’m, like, super gay.”  
“I know but it’s the principle,” Hajime snorted and turned away. “Hey, shit for brains. Why don’t you stop worrying about Hajime and get back to your own group?” Kuzuryuu cut in. 

His voice was only half kidding. “Easy for you to say, you’re in a group with your girlfriend,” Souda said dejectedly. This was the wrong decision, however, because next thing Hinata knew, Pekoyama was grabbing Souda by his hair and pulling him away. Hinata laughed at them and joined his own group which, right now only consisted of Owari and Sonia. Komaeda was truly taking his time walking over. 

It looked like it pained him to do so. Hinata grimaced, he already knew he didn’t like this guy. “Oh, hello, Hinata. Owari and I were just thinking up topics.” Sonia greeted sweetly. She was really pretty, Hinata would probably fall for her if she weren’t a girl. “Yeah? What’d you come up with?”  
“I was thinking we could do a presentation on Serial killer psychology and Owari said—“  
“—History of fried chicken.” And so it begins. 

Hinata stares at Owari for a moment. He didn’t really mean to stare like that but the proposal was so out of the question—“What a wonderful idea!” A rather chirpy voice called from behind him. The three of their eyes snapped forward and once again Hajime was met with gray eyes that were all-knowing. It felt like he was peering through his soul. He couldn’t help but look away, it was too uncomfortable being looked at like that. 

“As expected of the ultimates. I’m honored to be in a group with such amazing people.”  
“Ah, well thank you, Komaeda. You flatter us, really.” Sonia said, sweet as usual. “No, I mean it. Those ideas were far better than something I could come up with.” He couldn’t come up with something better than fried chicken? “What about you, Hinata. Do you have an idea for a topic?” Without looking up, Hajime shook his head. And Komaeda made such a nasty, sneering sound, it made Hajime want to crawl into a ball and roll away. “Then I guess it’s between the ultimates. I’ve always been interested in serial killers but my opinion means nothing in comparison to yours.” Who was this guy? 

Why was he talking about Sonia and Owari like they were above himself? Above Hajime, too, apparently. “What about you, Owari. Any complaints about us doing serial killers?” Sonia asked. Owari looked at all of their group members and shook her head. “Nah, I’m just hungry,” She said. 

And if that statement alone didn’t capture the kind’ve person Owari was, Hajime didn’t know what would. Sonia gave Hajime a look and for some reason, when he goes to look at her, he looks at Komaeda too. He’s smirking at him this time. “U-uh, yes! Serial killer psychology it is!” He said way too eagerly. Sonia beamed and clapped; “Then it is decided!” Her cheeks flushed red and the smile on her face was so incredibly happy. 

She was absolutely ecstatic, it seemed, to talk about serial killers. “Forgive me,” She said, noticing all the eyes on her. “I’m just very interested in psychology,”  
“Um, it’s alright, Sonia. Do you think we should get started now?” Hajime asked, keeping his gaze to Sonia and not Komaeda whose eyes he could feel regardless. “Absolutely! Let’s start by pulling four desks together that way it is easier to work. I hope it’s alright if I lead the group, this is my expertise.” Nobody objected. Actually, Komaeda went out of his way to kiss her ass, so that was great. By the end of class, it’s decided that Hajime and Sonia will work on the essay part of the project and Komaeda and Owari will stick to the presentation. 

Phone numbers were swapped(Hajime didn’t ask for Komaedas and he didn’t offer so that was good)and class ends on a pretty good note. It’s when he walks into the lunchroom and breathes in the aroma of food that the anxiety he’d been feeling melts away. He hadn’t even realized he’d been feeling like that. He tries to convince himself that it was because of the group project stress and not because of grey eyes and a smile like an ice bath. “Nanami!“ He said, cutting the line to slip in beside her. 

She offered him a smile and a yawn, standard Nanami. “Hi, Hinata. You’re still coming to my house this weekend, right?” She asked. Grabbing a tray. He followed suit and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I have work this weekend.”  
“Oh, did Ms. Mimi have her baby already?”  
“Yeah, a month premature. My parents said he came out purple. But he’s doing fine now!” Hajime assured her.

“Jeez, that’s good...” She squinted at the options ahead of her. As if she wasn’t gonna pick pizza like she did every day. “...I think.” She added. Again, standard Nanami. “Yes. Very good. My parents are giving her the rest of the month off so I’m pretty much booked every weekend until next month,” Nanami gets pizza, Hinata gets chicken nuggets and they make their way to the table. 

Souda and Kuzuryuu are already there, arguing amongst themselves. “What are you two bickering about now?” Hinata asked. He was honestly joking, he knew that whatever it was, it was stupid and he didn’t really care. But when Kuzuryuu went to open his mouth, Souda slapped his hand down on the table and gave him a look. That was weird, even by Souda standards.

“Nothing!” He all but screamed. “Definitely not scheming to do something illegal.” Hinata and Nanami looked at each other incredulously. “Whatever it is, remember to wear something to cover your face,” Nanami said, taking a bite of her pizza. She was acting like she hadn’t just endorsed criminal activity. “Nanami!?” Hajime gawked. 

He looked to Kuzuryuu and Souda who were sporting similar expressions. “What? That’s what the people in video games do when they do heists.” She insisted.  
“We aren’t doing a heist!” The two of them said in unison. Then Kuzuryuu got an angry look on his face and hit Souda over his head. “Ow! What was that for!?” He complained, rubbing his head. 

“For being an asshole and saying we were scheming!”  
“I said we weren’t scheming, how is that bad?” Hinata rolled his eyes. “Your first mistake was involving Souda in whatever it is you’re doing,” he said to Kuzuryuu. “You know he can’t keep a secret to save his life.” Souda tried to make a case for himself, but upon further inspection shut his mouth. “Well, who the fuck else am I supposed to ask? You don’t even watch action movies and fucking Nanami is basically my little sister.” He explained. What he said about Hajime was pretty spot on. 

He was a straight edge in every category except sexuality. “I could still do a heist, you know.” She said with her head cocked. “I don’t see how being a little sister has anything to do with it.” Kuzuryuu shook his head. “First of all, as we said, we aren’t doing a fucking heist. Second of all, if I put someone I care about in distress, what kind of person would I be?”  
“Does that mean you don’t care about Souda?” She concluded. Hajime watched gleefully as Kuzuryuu shrugged his shoulders.

“Cmon, man! I’m seriously risking my neck for you!” Kuzuryuu rolled his eyes at Soudas words. “Yeah but you suck at it,” Souda scoffed. “Whatever. You need me, you wouldn’t be able to do this without me.” This statement is what peaked Hajimes interest. He finished chewing the chicken nugget he was currently eating and asked; “Wait, but what are you two actually doing?” Kuzuryuu and Souda gave each other a look. Souda shook his head and looked away. 

Kuzuryuu sucked his teeth and said; “Sorry, Hinata, the asshat doesn’t want anyone knowing the specifics. You’ll see soon enough though.” As much as Hinata wanted to drill for answers, he took Kuzuryuu at his word and moved on. He was like his dad on that front, never all that pushy. A little later into lunch Pekoyama comes and pulls Kuzuryuu away. They walk out of the cafeteria holding hands. “I really hope me and miss Sonia are like that one day,” Souda said dreamily. 

“Yeah that would be nice,” Hinata said before he could stop himself. Eh, he might as well continue. “Just having someone to hold hands with, I mean.”  
“They kiss sometimes, too. It looks way different in real life then it does in the couple simulators I’ve played,” Nanami said unbothered. “Well duh,” Souda commented. “We aren’t cartoons.”  
“Actually, it was 3D.” She corrected. 

There was nothing innately funny about it but Hajime chuckled a little. Nanami's deadpan straightforwardness will never not be funny. Lunch ends and sooner or later, so does school. Hajime breathes in the fresh air of outside and begins his walk into town. The grocery store is about a twenty-minute walk and his house is just around the corner from there. 

He’d be home in no time. It should’ve been an unproblematic walk. And it was! Right up until he came to the crosswalk. He pressed the button and while he was waiting, he heard footsteps behind him. Hajime turned out of habit, expecting another kid from school or something. 

At least he was right in that regard. He found himself once again having a staring contest with the grey-eyed, white-haired, weirdo who looked at Hajime like he wasn’t the average Joe that he was. He looked at Hajime like he was dirt. Instead of just staring at him, this time Komaeda cracked a smile. Hajime likes the way the smile softened up his features. 

This thought, however, is completely uncalled for so he turns around and tries to forget about it. The light turns red so he continues on his walk. Ignoring the footsteps that echoed his. He took a deep breath. Hajime was cool, Hajime was calm, Hajime was collected. 

He wasn’t someone who liked putting things off, he was too impatient for that. So instead of dragging out this painfully silent walk, Hajime turned around to try and ask Komaeda where he was going. This fucker, honest to god, keeps walking. He passes Hajime and doesn’t stop, not once. He doesn’t even look back. 

Hajime stands there kind’ve dumbfounded for a minute. He isn’t sure what he expected but he feels kind’ve stupid. He thought Komaeda had been following him. He shook his head and straightened his tie, cool and calm and collected, and continued his walk to the grocery store. This is where things get seriously weird. 

Komaeda, now in front of him, is taking the same route as him. Same left at the thrift store, same right at the Barbour shop, and eventually the same second crosswalk. It’s at this point that Komaeda turns to look at Hajime. He licks his lips and squints; “Are you following me, Hinata?” He asked. 

For some reason, Hinata's heart drops in his chest. “What!?”  
“Are you following me?” Komaeda asks again, pressing the button. “You’ve been behind me for a long time.” There was no way this guy was serious. Wasn’t this the same kid that couldn’t come up with anything better than fried chicken? “I’m not—you were the one—I’m—“  
Hajimes tongue got twisted up in his mouth. 

Komaeda would not stop staring at him. He suddenly felt incredibly dumb so he straightened his back. “No, I am not,” Hajime said finally. Komaeda laughed. “I’m just kidding. Sorry, sometimes I can take jokes too far.” The crosswalk opens up and Komaeda starts walking. 

Hajime is forced to follow him. “You’re going to the grocery store, aren’t you? We might as well walk there together, don’t you think?” Komaeda called over his shoulder. Hajime grimaced, “I’m good.” That should’ve been the end of it. Hajime wishes that was the end of it. “Awe, do you not like me, Hinata?” He continued. 

Komaeda stops walking and waits for Hajime to catch up. They end up walking beside each other. “That’s sad! Because I definitely like you.” Hajime is wondering if he heard that right. It must show on his face because Komaeda laughs again. His laugh is airy and untamed. It’s wild in a soft kind’ve way. 

Another thing Hajime didn’t want to think about. He straightens his tie. “What? Is it rare for people to like you?”  
“I can’t tell if you’re insulting me or not,” Hajime admitted. He looked over at Komaeda to see he was smiling. His eyes were still cold. 

“Why would I insult you if I like you?” Komaeda argues. “Have you never made friends before, Hinata?” There it was again. This guy was seriously puzzling. “I don’t know how you plan on making friends with me but being this confusing definitely won’t work.” Hajime blinked. Did he just say that? Did he just imply he’d be friends with this weirdo? 

He just wished this conversation would end. “So we could be friends? Aren’t I just lucky,” Hajime scoffed. “What? That is what I’m in Hopes Peak for. I’m the ultimate lucky student.” Right, every year hopes peak holds a raffle for one talentless kid to get in. The title talentless is kind’ve sad, however, so the ultimate lucky student was coined. “I guess that is pretty lucky,” Hajime says. 

Komaeda nodded, “One out of a literal million.” Hajime couldn’t even begin to imagine the prospects of that. One out of a million. That’s one out of a million chance for Hajime to be standing here with Komaeda right now. How crazy is that? “Here we are. I guess this is where our paths diverge,” He said. 

They were nearing the entrance of the grocery store. “This sucks,” Komaeda declared with a pout. Hajime was curious, “Why’s that?” He asked, locking eyes with the shorter boy. Short, yet he managed to make Hajime feel so small. “I won’t be able to look at you anymore.”


	2. Inconspicuous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s inconspicuous, he’s not anything anybody should worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg 11 kudos just from the first chapter 🥺🥺 you guys are so nice. Thank you everyone!

“Psychopathy is a cluster of various characteristics and is a mental illness. When people think of the term ‘psychopath’, usually they visualize a crazy person running on the streets or maybe someone stabbing an innocent human to death. But surprisingly, not many people realize that they are seemingly harmless people, but with the most malicious intentions at stake.” 

Hajime read the article feverishly. He was trying his very best to read but his head kept filling up with Komaeda colored smoke. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about him? 

Why won’t it stop(I won’t be able to look at you anymore)? His heart beats in his chest like a drum line. Sonia, forgive him, he is desperately trying to take notes but his brain refuses to focus(I won’t be able to look at you anymore). Finally, he gives up and decides to call Nanami. The night was still young. He could afford to play video games for an hour or two to clear his mind. 

Nanami wouldn’t pick up the phone if you didn’t text her first. It was strange but it was just one of her many quirks. So he shoots her a text asking if she wanted to play Overwatch and she happily agreed. Playing games with Nanami was very entertaining. They were playing a standard game that saw Hajime as support and Nanami as defense. 

It was a pretty good round, they win, they laugh. It’s enough to distract Hajimes mind off of Komaeda(I won’t be able to look at you anymore). So he gets back to work on reading the article Sonia sent him. This would be his third attempt at taking notes and he swears he’s gonna get something down this time. He’s at the kitchen table, glass of water to his right, computer to his left, and clipboard in his lap for his notes. 

He scrolls past the introduction and reads: 

“1. Narcissists of another level—  
Psychopaths take self-love very seriously. Infuriated egos, overflowing sense of self-importance, and a tendency to manipulate situations and people to work in their favor, come what may. They also come across as cocky and arrogant.” 

Hajime broke down the important parts and made them into bullet points. He focused and made sure his handwriting was legible, he even had a little fun and added some highlight for emphasis. Just to keep it interesting so his mind wouldn’t wander to other, more distracting things.

“2. No Empathetic Feeling—  
Psychopaths are insensitive when it comes to dealing with other people’s emotions and feelings. They have no empathy or sympathy for others. However, they can easily dupe others with a fake play of emotions. They lack love and are shallow and dark, but they can easily conceal that feature about themselves.”

He frowns at reading this. Was it that they blocked out their own empathy or they were incapable of feeling it? What a lonely existence, Hajime thought. Sonia made it clear he didn’t need to get it all done tonight and he was kind’ve up to his neck in homework anyway. So he saved the link to the article and switched from writing to math. By the time he’s done with his math work, his parents are home. They come in tired with sore fingers and beat up expressions. 

They smile when they see Hajime, however. He knows how hard they work. “Hi, mom. Hi, dad.” He greeted them with hugs and helped with their bags. “Did you go to the store today as I asked?” His mom asked, sitting down at the table and stretching her fingers. Doing nails all day wasn’t a joke. 

“Yes, I did. Is it for the cake you’re gonna bake for Ms. Mimi?” His mom hummed and nodded. “Jiroume, sweetie. Come tell Haji what the woman said to you today,” Hajime looked at his mom with questioning eyes. She elaborated; “One of the tourists we had today claimed to be a fortune teller.” Wow, that's definitely not what he was expecting her to say. “Jiroume!” She called again. 

Dad had disappeared down the hall long ago. When it was obvious he wasn’t coming back, Hajimes mom decided to tell the story herself. “I thought you didn’t believe in fortune-telling, ma.” He said, sitting in the seat across from her. “Oh, I don’t. It’s just what she said was so absurd I had to share it with you. I’ll have to tell Mimi about it, too, when I see her and the new baby.” 

She took Hajimes hands in her own and gave him a weird look. She was playing the part through and through, said her bugged-out eyes. “She took your father's hands in hers and looked him dead in the eye,” His mother began. “And told him that this world would soon become blackened by despair,” Her voice was contorted to mock someone with a deep voice. She chuckled at herself and rubbed her thumb over Hajimes palm. 

“What do you think of it, Haji? Will the world soon fill with despair?” She asked. He didn’t really know how to answer. “I think what you think,” He insisted. “It’s absurd.” She smiled softly at him and stood up. “That’s right. People say the world will end every year. And you know what? It never does. And we keep on living.” As she walked past him, she leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. 

“Goodnight, Haji.” He returned the saying and watched as his mom yawned her way into her bedroom. Hajime soon followed suit and sleep came easy except for one thing that kept circulating in his head. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about it? Was he cursed to hear his voice on loop for eternity? He wished he could un-hear it. He wished more than anything. 

I won’t be able to look at you anymore. I won’t be able to look at you anymore. I won’t be able to look at you anymore.  
—-  
Then, he has the nerve to completely ignore him today in class. Owari brought a cardboard box she found in a dumpster behind her house and Komaeda tells Sonia he’d bring his paints and stuff tomorrow. He tells ‘Sonia’ because he wouldn’t so much as even spare Hajime a glance. He tried to reach out, thinking he maybe was misinterpreting what was happening. “So...what are you planning to do for the design?” He asked. 

Komaeda didn’t even flinch. Yesterday it was like he couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. Why were things different today? They were friends, right? Komaeda was weird but so were Nanami and Souda and Kuzuryuu.

Hajime wasn’t kidding when he said they could be friends. So, he tried a different approach. “Komaeda...are you okay? Is there anything...” His voice trailed off as Komaeda finally looked at him. He did a long exaggerating sigh like Hajime was the most annoying creature to walk the earth. It did something to Hajime, to be looked at like an annoying child. 

So he looked away and pulled on his tie. He knew it was already straight but he needed something to do with his hands. Something to distract him from how much he hated being looked at like that. Did he do something wrong? No, Of course not. 

Hajimes not about to start blaming himself over Komaedas actions. It wasn’t worth it, he decided. So he buckled down and got work. He and Sonia really doubled down on research. They got enough done to where they would be able to start on the essay tomorrow. 

“But I still need the notes on Psychopathy. Do you think you can have them finished by Wednesday?” Sonia asked rubbing her head like it hurt. Hajime nodded, “Definitely.” But he and Sonia weren’t the only ones to get work done. He had to applaud Komaeda on how well he got Owari to work. Sonia tells him as much. “Please don’t give me too much credit, Sonia. Owari could’ve definitely done all of this without me. I’m just a stepping stool.” Hajime rolled his eyes. 

“See? This psycho appreciates my genius! I’m the one who decided the layout for the whole sketch!” Speaking of which, those two sped through the sketching process like it was nothing. They weren’t completely done but it was a lot of progress. And it looked good. Owari said she came up with the layout?

Hajime feels himself blush. He totally underestimated her. Its kind’ve embarrassing how little faith he had in her. Class ends as it begins; chairs scuffing, Usami-Sensei begging everyone to calm down, a chorus of shoes hitting the ground as sixteen people barrel into the hall. This time he meets up with Kuzuryuu in the curry line. 

“Hey, Hinata,” he greeted. “How’s your project going?” Hajime was happy to report that it was going pretty well. “That’s good. Same here. You wouldn’t believe how psycho Peko gets during projects. She’s constantly on everyone’s ass but at least it gets the work done,” He said. Then he got a sly smile on his face. “Plus it’s pretty hot.” Hajime blew air through his nose. 

“Gross,” He joked. “Glad to see you two are so in love.” Souda actually wasn’t at school today so it was just Nanami at the table. “But what about you, Hinata? Any asshats you thinking about dating?” Hajime shrugs. His love life was practically non-existent. Nanami said like, ten words a day and she still managed to have a girlfriend over the summer. 

“Um, not really,” He said because it was the truth. “That kid from class 1-A? Oowada? He’s pretty cute, though.” Hajime finished. “Oh, you mean Mondo? Most definitely, that’s a fine piece of ass right there.” Kuzuryuu said shamelessly. Hajime nearly choked on his meal. See, to anyone on the outside looking in, it may seem like Kuzuryuus got his head on tighter than anyone else in their little friend group. 

Truth is he’s just as crazy a the rest of them, it just came out in smaller bursts as you can see. “Are you even allowed to say that!?” Hajime asked, mortified by Kuzuryuus calmness. “Peko would agree with me!” Kuzuryuu insisted with a smile. “She doesn’t talk a lot in public but she’s pretty weird behind closed doors.” He said weird but the admiration in his voice betrayed him. “You know who else is a fine piece of ass?” Kuzuryuu asked. 

Hajime, despite himself, was kind’ve curious to find out. “Who?”  
“Komaeda Nagito. He’s in your group actually,”   
Suddenly Hajimes mouth went bone dry. “Pfft! Looks like I was right on the money!” Kuzuryuu pushed. Hajime couldn’t help but feel confused. “What do you mean by that?”  
“Don’t act dumb, Hinata, I saw the googly eyes you were giving him in class today. Not only that! He was staring at you when you weren’t looking.” That’s so weird and yet, Hajime could imagine this being just the case. 

If he’d looked up from his computer once or twice instead of focusing so hard, would he have locked eyes with Komaeda again? Would he have studied Hajimes features like he was art because he knew eventually he wouldn’t be able to look at him anymore? Stupid questions that won’t get answered. He’d only known this kid a day, there was no reason to be so weird about it. “You saw him staring at me?” Hajime chuckled. “Did you also see how he ignored me?” 

Kuzuryuu made a nasty face. “He ignored you? Well, shit. Never mind, what an asshole.”  
“Maybe he’s just having a bad day,” Nanami said softly, not looking up from her Nintendo. “You think so?” Hajime asked. He actually hadn’t even considered that. “I mean, yeah. Did he seem tired?” She spared Hajime a glance and he nodded. 

“There you go, then. Probably just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Then she let out a yawn and closed out her game. “All this talking is making me sleepy,” She announced after five sentences. She stood up and walked off. She leaves and the table is quiet for a minute. “She’s probably going to the library,” Kuzuryuu said when he noticed Hajime staring after her. “Yeah, I know. I’m just debating whether or not to follow her.”

“She’s just gonna pass out in the beanbag,” Kuzuryuu stated. “What? Do you want to watch her sleep?” Hajime gave him a pointed look. “Let’s just walk around, then. I don’t feel like sitting here in the cafeteria anymore.” Kuzuryuu thought about it and agreed. The two of them make their way out of the cafeteria and down the hall towards the stairs. “Before anything more comes up about it, me and Souda aren’t doing anything that has to do with drugs or alcohol or something,” Hajime looked down at Kuzuryuu to show that he was listening. 

It was a relief to hear that honestly. “We also aren’t stealing anything. It’s still illegal but it’s for a good cause at the very least.” He continued to say. If anything, this just confused Hajime more. If they weren’t stealing, smuggling, or drinking what were they doing? Fighting? 

Breaking in to somewhere? “I just don’t see why you have to do something illegal in the first place. I’m sure there’s a better way to do what you’re planning.” A way that didn’t involve the chance of going to jail or prison, preferably. Kuzuryuu shook his head. “Okay, Mr. Tie-to-school-everyday,” he teased.  
Hajime grabbed at his tie defensively, “You wear a tie, too!” He exclaimed. 

“Yeah, but I don’t have a fucking stick up my ass.” Kuzuryuu snapped. At this point, they made it to the top of the stairs. “Okay Kuzuryuu,” Hajime said annoyedly. “I’m just kidding, asshole. I already know your stance on legal and illegal things. That’s why I have a proposition for you.” Hajime scowled. That was definitely a no.

But for some reason what comes out of Hajimes mouth is; “What’s that supposed to mean?” Which technically means go on. So because he stupidly said this, Kuzuryuu says; “We need a watchman. No offense, Hinata, but you’re pretty average looking. If someone saw you lurking around they’d find you very inconspicuous.” And that, oddly, is just what Hajime had been expecting to hear. “I’m...so incredibly good.” He choked out. Was he laughing? 

Why was he laughing? “Why are you laughing?” Kuzuryuu asked. And the true answer is; Hajime didn’t know. He’s just so helplessly average. So entirely okay that no one would give him a second glance. 

He’s inconspicuous, he’s not anything anybody should worry about. Who would want to look at Hajime when he’s so average, when he’s so regular, when he’s so boring? Who? Who? Instead of giving Kuzuryuu an answer he goes back to the pryer question. 

This time he is able to keep a straight face. “No, Kuzuryuu, I will not be the lookout while you and Souda go and vandalize a national monument or something.” He rolled his shoulders, feeling a lot less self-loathy. “And I hope you know I one-hundred percent disapprove,”  
“So you’re gonna snitch?”  
“I never said that—“  
“—Let go of my hair! Help! Help! Koizumi!” A tiny voice called from behind them. When Kuzuryuu and Hajime turned around the scene that played out is as follows: Owari Akane had two pigtails rolled up in her hands. One in each fist. 

The owner of these pigtails was lifted into the air and flung around like she was as heavy as a cardboard box. “What’d you say to me again, you little bitch? Whose the pig now! Whose the pig now?” Then Akane began to oink but it was drowned under the noise of crying from...is that Saionji? “Oh shit.” Kuzuryuu chokes as he watched the scene unfold. Why was this happening on the second floor? Fights usually occurred on the first floor as it was more accessible. 

But more importantly, was anyone gonna break it up? “Fuck that, dude. You go do it,” Holy shit, had he said that out loud? “N-no way,” Hajime stuttered. “I’m scared Akane might yank me up by my pigtails, too.” Honesty is the best policy, he supposed. Kuzuryuu laughed and shook his head. 

“Okay. I’ got it, you weirdo.” He teased. Hajime watched as Kuzuryuu walked up to the two girls. He’s fairly calm at first but then Owari just refuses to let Saionji down. Hinata knew first hand how much of a gremlin that little girl could be but being hung from your hair like that must be horrible for the scalp. “Let her fucking down!”  
“Not until she apologizes!”  
“FUCKING APOLOGIZE!”  
“I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY!”   
And with that, Saionji fell on her butt with an huff.

Then, with a tear-filled glance to Kuzuryuu and Owari, she dusted herself off and ran away to the first floor. Hajime walked forward but at a slow pace. The situation was kind’ve resolved but Owari was like one of those trick candles that kept lighting back up. “Why the fuck would you do that, Owari!? Were you trying to scalp her!?” Kuzuryuu asked, astounded. “Saionji is just a crybaby with a bad attitude. Who cares if her pigtails get pulled?” Owari argued, crossing her arms.   
“If shes just a crybaby with an attitude, then why take her seriously?” He snapped back. “Because someone has to teach her not to be so rude to people she doesn’t know. It’s childish.”  
“I just think that...” Hajime began but stopped when Owari and Kuzuryuu snapped their hostile gazes towards him. “...I just think that if you know someone’s childish, then you shouldn’t give them such a strong reaction.” It’s quiet for a moment. In this pause is the moment Hajime remembers who he is, which is definitely not someone who gives people like Owari Akane life advice. She squinted at him like he was crazy. He honestly might’ve been.

“Where did you come from Hinata? Ugh, you two are idiots. Excuse me,” She said shoving past them. “I’m gonna go finish my lunch before I get called up to the office.” She said while stomping down the stairs. “That was dramatic,” Kuzuryuu said when she was fully gone. It’s all Hajime can do to snort. And then he remembers Saionjis face as she got spun around by her pigtails and bursts out laughing. Kuzuryuus lazy chuckles turn into giggles and soon both him and Hajime are losing their shit because there was no reason for their lunch to end like this. 

But it did. And now Hajime has to remember it for the rest of his life. The rest of the school day is unproblematic other than the fact that he didn’t see Owari or Saionji again, probably both in the office. His walk home is uneventful too, actually. No white-hair. No grey eyes. 

And for some odd reason, Hajimes stomach turns like he was expecting there to be. Like he wished there had been. But he can forget about that now because he has his computer in his lap continuing with his notes. 

“3. Perennial Absence Of Regret-  
Regardless of what effect their actions might have on someone, they are alienated from the feeling of guilt or remorse. They even master playing the victim card very well for themselves.” 

His pen flowed across the paper like butter. He found himself strangely mesmerized by the way his letters looped. Hinata shook his head. He was focusing way too hard. 

“4. Superficial And Shallow—  
Psychopaths are entertaining people when they want to be and they exhibit a charm when bragging about something in particular. They are well-versed with technical jargon when duping someone, even psychologists! Psychopaths can talk about their crimes without any emotions which can intimidate others.”

He was flying through this. His notes are down and done by six which gives him the rest of the night to bullshit around by himself. He even spends a couple of minutes thinking about what he’s gonna do for the ultimate festival. He thought maybe he could learn guitar in two months and play a song during the showcase? His singing voice was okay— but something about hearing the word ‘okay’ specifically made Hajimes stomach feel hot and angry so he shot down that idea. 

God, there it was again. Was he just incapable of being anything other than average? Inconspicuous, that’s what Kuzuryuu had called him. “I’m not inconspicuous,” Hajime said out loud. To no one. 

Because he was alone in his bedroom. 

He laughed again now, but it was a rather sad one. He thought back to earlier today. His mind ruffled through his thoughts and picked out the specific chain of him wondering who would ever give Hajime a second glance. And that was actually a really good question. Who? 

Who? Who? Who would actually want to look at Hajime? And the answer is white and grey and everywhere like smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder why Nagito acted the way he did this chapter. Was it just genuine tiredness or was there a better reason? Only time well tell. Might double update today, what do you guys think?


	3. Delusional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can convince yourself anything if you’re delusional enough. You might be able to fool yourself but you won’t fool me. I already know what you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry, I don’t really have a posting schedule yet. Enjoy!!

Hajime would like to believe in something religiously. He likes the idea of having faith and besides a Cristian grandmother, he’s never had any religious teachings. He knows that Jesus knew everything about you before you’re even born. Every mistake you’ll make. Every left you make instead of a right. This meant that somewhere Jesus was laughing at Hajime because he knew about the dream he’d had the night before. And he’d also known about how Sonia would text him about her being sick so she wouldn’t be at school this day. 

So pair this, inevitably, with the fact that Owari has ISS and detention for the rest of the week and you get a group that’s half missing. The two remaining members, one a horrible blushing mess, typing on his computer like a mad man and the other as calm and clean as air. Hajime wanted to die. With how awkward things are, he genuinely wouldn’t have minded dying right then and there. Anything, genuinely ANYTHING, was better than sitting here avoiding Komaedas gaze like he was the plague. He was so incredibly embarrassed. Who had dreams like that about people they don’t even know? Ugh, and when he woke up...just embarrassing. Embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing.

With each thought, he hit a different key. “What’d the computer do to you?” Komaeda said jokingly. Out of the corner, Hajime could see him smiling. He tried to ignore him and type softer. A couple more minutes of silence go by. It must be unbearable for Komaeda because he’s been humming this entire time. Then, as if he’d carefully planned his words, he spoke; “Hey, Hinata? I’m really sorry for being rude to you yesterday. Giving you the cold shoulder was horrible of me. Especially without explanation,” Hajime peaked up at him. 

He was staring at Hajime, once again. He was staring like he was trying to grab all of Hajimes attention and never let it go. Hinata thinks that if Komaeda always looked at him like that, he could look at him forever. Is he allowed to think that? “Um. Don’t sweat it, it’s alright.” He said nicely. He even offered a smile, though it was short.   
“It’s just that...yesterday I saw you roll your eyes at me—“ Hajime stopped typing. He had...rolled his eyes? 

“—and I was just so stressed out because I found out that my parents are getting divorced this weekend. I didn’t like feeling like you were mad at me.” Hajimes stomach dropped. He felt the overwhelming urge to apologize. “I really wasn’t mad. I’m seriously so sorry, Komaeda,” He pushes his computer to the side. “No, no it’s okay. I understand why you were upset. Someone as worthless as me ignoring you? It must’ve been really insulting.”  
“I don’t know why you talk about yourself like that. I don’t think of you as worthless,” Hajime says quietly, trying to make up for his past mistakes.

He couldn’t believe he actually rolled his eyes and got caught. Usually, he’s more careful with his attitude. “What do you think of me as then?” Komaeda asked, leaning back in his chair a little. At this angle, his jaw was on full display. It was a nice jaw, not harsh and sharp but still strong. Komaeda has no right to be that cute—but Hinata wasn’t allowed to think like that, was he? 

“I Uhm...I don’t really know you that well. But I know that you’re just as worthy as everyone else in class,”  
Komaeda smiles and looked away. Hajime could squint and almost see a blush. He was blushing? Over Hajime? Something warm begins to swell up in his chest. “You really mean that?” He questioned. Hajime wastes no time confirming his prior words. 

“Well then, Hinata. How about we get to know each other a little better, huh? We’re friends right?” Komaeda said with a grin. He kind’ve looked like a snake in this lighting. That’s definitely a weird thought. Just the way his smile took up his face was oddly...sly. Like he was planning something. “Yeah,” Hajime says. His skin starts to tingle all over. “We are.” 

So, Komaeda suggests a game. You tell the other person one trait about yourself and then make an assumption about them.   
“Do you get it?”  
“Yeah, I got it.”  
“So, go first.”  
Hmm. Hajime had to think first. 

What was the first thing he thought when he looked at Komaeda? His eyes suddenly lit up, he knew what to say. “I’m a good listener and you’re very observant.” Hinata began. Komaeda laughs again and the fact that he made that noise because of Hajime makes his chest warm. He wants to hear him laugh more. “That’s pretty spot-on, really. Okay, mine is actually a guess. But we’ll see if I read you right,” He told Him. Hajime just smiles and nods. 

Eager to hear Komaedas assumption. “I’m very observant and you secretly think you’re better than everyone else.” Hajime was at a loss for words. Again with the religion thing. Was Jesus upon his throne making a meme out of Hajimes life right now? He can’t begin to imagine what made Komaeda come to that conclusion. He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. And to top it all off? Komaeda is staring at him like he’s an idiot. 

Like he’s ugly. That gaze lights Hajimes insides up like a bonfire. He starts stuttering worse. “I don’t—I don’t think I’m—what? I n-never—“ Then Komaeda starts touching him. Nothing crazy, just a hand on his shoulder to tell him to calm the fuck down because he was in high school not elementary. Look at him, basically throwing a tantrum over Komaedas words. There was nothing in this life or the next that could’ve prepared him for those words. 

“Hinata, it’s your turn.” Is all Komaeda says. “It’s just a game.” But these were assumptions, right? And assumptions usually had some kind’ve basis behind them. “I just don’t understand why you think that.”  
“I don’t,” Komaeda said annoyedly. He was annoyed. He was annoyed at Hajime. 

“It’s literally a game. Do you not know how to play games?” He insulted. Hajime took a deep breath. “Yes, I know how to play games.”  
“Then go, because it’s your turn.” Hajime nodded. This time he thought long and hard on his answer. “I think everyone, including myself, is equal,” He started with a grimace. “And you never sleep.” As fast as he was annoyed, it is as fast as he was back to smiling lazily and looking at Hajime like he actually saw him. 

He saw someone worth more than two glances but only because he was gross. “Wow, is it that obvious? Okay, okay. I never sleep and you’ve never had a pimple in your life.” Hajime kind’ve giggled at that. He had been praised before for having okay skin. “Not true,” he answered. “I’ve had one.” Komaeda scoffed at him. The sight makes Hajime smile.

“See what I mean? I was practically right. Your skin is perfect.”  
“It’s okay.”  
“It’s perfect,” Komaeda repeated. “You must not believe me.” He said with an eyebrow raised. Hajime opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. “It’s not that I don’t believe you. It’s just that...I’ve never been perfect in anything before.” He expected for Komaeda to laugh at him or something. 

He’s not quite sure why he said this in the first place. “Hey? Can I get your next couple of turns?” Is all Komaeda asks instead. And Hajimes brain turns to putty over Komaedas smile. He says; “Yeah.” Without much thought.  
“I sometimes overthink,” he began. “And you never won a trophy or anything like that, but your parents or a guardian was always showing off theirs and you placed your worth on being awarded.” Hinata didn’t really know what to say. He thought about his mom. 

A blush settled across his features. “I-is that just another guess?” He said nervously.  
“Yes,” Komaeda said with a smirk. “A lucky one, I suppose.” Hajime laughed and looked away. Was his luck an actual talent or is this just some sick joke? “Okay, next one. I tend to go too far sometimes and you wish you were more interesting or bold.”  
“Th-thats!-“ Hajime sunk in on himself, trying to be smaller. “Am I that easy to read?”  
“These are just guesses.” Komaeda insisted. 

Guesses my ass. Hajime was just about tired of having his whole life read aloud to him. “Okay, Komaeda—“  
“—What!?” Komaeda laughed. “This is your last guess.” Hajime pointed a finger at him accusingly. “Okay, okay. I’ve been through a lot of traumatic things and you’ve never dated anyone before.” That one isn’t actually that bad. “Am I right?”  
“Yeah. But only because I’ve never approached anyone.”   
“I don’t think that’s the reason,” Komaeda admits. He’s still smiling, reminiscent of the laugh he did earlier. 

Hinata wishes he would smile more. It fit so neatly between his features. “I think it’s because you’re not all that interesting or bold.” Hajimes smile faltered on his face. “Who would want to date such an average Joe?” And now it was completely gone. Did Komaeda really just say that? Hajime furrowed his eyebrows. Like he didn’t already know he was uninteresting and average. “Why do you always do this?” He asked.

“Do what?” Komaeda asked with a smile. “Insult me in the middle of a conversation,” Hajime claimed. “Do you secretly not like me or something?”  
“I didn’t say it to be mean!” Komaeda tried. “It’s the truth! You’re just average and boring. If you take it so harshly it must be eating you up, huh?” Komaedas stare was heavy and harsh on Hajime skin. This, paired with the smirk he was sporting made Komaeda suddenly seem very untrustworthy. “I didn’t take it harshly!” Says Hajime. He seriously didn’t, either. 

All he did was ask a question. “You’re boring.” Komaeda bore down. “You’re as boring as my hair is white.”  
“You can stop saying it,” Hajime said firmly. He straightened his back to show off his full height and matched Komaedas glare. He was trying to show Komaeda that he was done with this path of conversation. It must’ve done the trick because Komaeda put his hands up instinctively. “All I’m saying is you don’t have to be that way anymore.” He continued. 

“You want to be bold? Do you want to have fun? Why don’t we hang out this afternoon?” Maybe if Komaeda hadn’t just spent five minutes insulting Hajime to his face he would think differently, but right now he just wanted to get back to work. He hates how fast the word ‘average’ could ruin his mood. “After that whole thing, I don’t really want to hang out with you,” He said truthfully. “Why would I spend my afternoon being bullied?”  
“I’m bullying you?” Komaeda questioned seriously. Then he scratched his cheek and chuckled. “I’m so sorry, Hinata! I told you I have a tendency to overstep boundaries. You have to be patient with me,” He pleaded. 

“Please, we’re friends, right? Let’s hangout. I won’t be that rude to you ever again.” And then the bell rings. Holy shit. Had they just wasted an entire class period talking? Everyone starts packing up. Hajime sighs and starts to walk past Komaeda. He still didn’t know if he should take him up on his offer or not. “Hey,” Komaeda said, grabbing Hajimes backpack as he walked by. 

He turned to face him. “If you end up wanting to hang out, meet me at the staircase at the end of the day.” He informed. Then he let Hajime go and Hajime all but ran to get out of class. His hand was stuck on his tie as he clamored into the lunch line and grabbed lunch. He cut all the way to the front today. He was so hungry and anxious that he couldn’t be bothered by the empty threats being thrown at him. Why was he anxious? 

Because he had already decided what he would do in regards to Komaedas question. God leans back and falls into hysterics.  
—-  
Komaeda is already at the staircase when Hajime gets there. He’s got headphones in, lolling side to side gently. Its kind’ve cute but Hajime doesn’t allow himself to think like that. He takes a deep breath and sits beside him. “Hey,” is all he says. Komaeda looks up at him and smiled. “Hinata! You actually came!” Hinata looked away and blushed. 

“Yeah, but don’t get too excited. If you say anything remotely rude, I’m leaving.” Komaeda still looked pretty happy about the whole ordeal so that was nice. “Like I said. I promise,” He reminded. Then the two of them walked from there to the back of the school where the cars were parked. “You have a car?” Hajime asked when Komaeda pulled out his keys. “Yeah but I wrecked it last month so it’s been in the shop for a while,” When he notices Hajime looking at him baffled, he added this sentiment; “I’m like, super fucking rich.”  
“Oh.”  
“Yeah.”

“Oh,” Hajime said again when they actually approached his car. It’s was fairly nice but not that attention-grabbing. Then he sat down in the passenger seat and saw the control panel. It looked so futuristic. There wasn’t even a stick to change the gears. It was a knob that you turned. “Holy crap,” Hajime gasped. “You weren’t lying.” 

Komaeda started the engine. It revved up and purred. Hajime was so thrown out of the loop. This car was probably more expensive than his entire house. “I actually don’t lie very much. Now,” Komaeda put the thing in drive. “You ready for the best day of your life?” Before Hajime could answer, Komaeda slammed the gas and they went surging forward. They’re out on the main road with a bump and a skip and Hajime is holding onto his seat for dear life.

“What the fuck!” He cried. Komaeda looked at him with a manic look in his eye. “Did you just cuss!?” He cackled. “I’ve never heard you cuss before!” Knowing these roads like the back of his hand, Hajime knew exactly where they were going when Komaeda pulled off onto a back road. He didn’t appreciate how fast he decided to go. “What are you doing!? You’re gonna get us pulled over!” In response, Komaeda presses the gas harder. They fly down the road like a bat out of hell. 

“Komaeda!” Hajime cried. He shut his eyes tight. “Stop! What the fuck are you doing!?”  
“Cuss again!” Komaeda suggested. “What!?”  
“Cuss again!” He repeated. “No, why would I— Okay! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hell, bitch, dick, pussy, shit!” Komaeda has barred down all the way on the gas at this point. They’re going a hundred down this empty ass road and Hajime can’t help but feel sick to his stomach. “Shit, shit, shit, shit. Asshole! Asshole, you’re an asshole.” Komaeda is laughing hysterically. 

His eyes trained to the road as they continued to speed down it. “Goddamnit! Fucking stop the car!” Hajime screamed eyes shut so tight they turned white. Surprisingly, Komaeda listens. They finally slow down to a reasonable drift. Hajimes heart is beating out of his chest. He’s light-headed and nauseous. It feels like he just got off some shoddy roller coaster. He slowly turned his head to Komaeda, trying to keep his breathing steady. 

It was a miracle that he wasn’t hyperventilating. “Why the heck would you do that!” Komaeda rolled his eyes. “Seriously! We could’ve gotten in trouble! We probably will if the cameras caught your Id plate.”  
“That whole thing was just so you’d relax,” Komaeda says. “I see it didn’t work.”  
“Obviously not! Who relaxes by breaking the law!?” He chastised. Ugh! He was so done with this kid. He had half a mind to tell him to just turn the car around and let him walk home.

“C’mon, Hinata, loosen up. Didn’t it feel good to feel your heart beat so fast? And to actually cuss instead of using heck and crap and fucking child speak?”  
“It’s not child speak!” Hajime defended. He didn’t really understand what was happening right now. “Whatever. The point is, I just want you to have fun today. I want you to fucking have fun and not worry about what’s right and what’s wrong and whose boring and whose not. So just get your panties out of a twist, take that goddamn tie off, and let’s do some donuts or something, okay?” As Komaeda said this, the pulled up into the abandoned mall. 

This one was used in the sixties but got shut down because of all the black mold and rats. Three stories high and abandoned as all get out. The parking lot is huge and great for practice drivers. But if you were someone like Komaeda Nagito you probably weren’t using it for learning purposes. “I don’t understand why everyone makes fun of my tie,” Hajime unties it anyway. “It can pull any outfit together.” Komaeda put the car in park and looked over at him. 

“Yeah, okay. You sound and look like my dad, you know.”  
“Your dad sounds very civilized,” Hajime teased. “Are you adopted or something?” Komaeda just smiled at him. He almost looked happy. “Okay, so now what? We’re here?”   
“Do you want to spin a donut?” Komaeda asked, hand on the door. 

And Hajime? Well, Hajime kind’ve did want to. So they switch seats and Hajime starts of slowly spinning, but after encouragement from Komaeda to relax and ‘let go’ he goes fast. It’s exhilarating. A little scary, but Hajime feels his heartbeat in his chest and it feels amazing. It feels like he’s been standing on the edge of something for so long and just now finally jumped off. He doesn’t have a license, he tells Komaeda when his first Donut is done. 

“So?” He shrugged. “Whip it the other way now. Try to make your circle tighter.” The world spins fast in front of Hajime. When he’s in a car, screaming cuss words with Komaeda, he’s going too fast for his worries to get to him. He doesn’t have to worry about the ultimate festival. He doesn’t have to worry about stupid wet dreams. This feels like freedom from it all. For the first time in a long time; Hajime feels free. 

They take turns spinning donuts for about an hour. It’s fun, it’s exhilarating, and he’s oddly tired after it all. He sits back in the driver's seat for a moment just breathing. His hands won’t stop shaking. He’s vaguely terrified that somehow his parents will find out what he did but he knows that’s irrational. “Hinata, are you okay?” Komaeda asks. He places a hand on his neck and then his shoulder and forearm. 

“You’re shaking.” Getting touched only made it worse. “Shit. Okay, c’mon.” Komaeda got out of the car and walked around to the drivers to help Hajime out too. “I can’t stand up, I’ll fall,” Hajime fought with Komaeda. “Can you catch a six feet two-person, Komaeda?”  
“I will let you fall,” Komaeda said seriously. Hajime looked at him and grimaced. “What? I’m not trying to get crushed! But you need to get up Hinata.” Hajime sat back in the seat and tried to ignore Komaeda. “If you walk around, I promise you’ll feel better.” He sighed and looked at him.

“You promise?”  
“I promise.” Komaeda pressures. So finally, Hajime stands up and although he’s shakey, he doesn’t fall. Komaeda begins walking towards the mall and Hinata follows him. “You know they’re gonna tear this place down next august.” He began. Komaeda walked with his hands in his pockets, looking at the building in front of him. “Really?” Hajime asked. August, huh? That’s a little under a year. 

Komaeda nodded. “I heard their gonna build a little plaza. Buncha shops and a park. It’s gonna be cool.”   
“Sounds it.”  
“Yeah,” It gets quiet. A little awkward but they aren’t doing anything but walking so there was really nothing to talk about. Besides, Komaeda was staying silent and if he didn’t want to talk that was fine with Hajime. Something was kind’ve eaten at him, though. 

His body had calmed down but he still felt uncomfortable. He really wanted a clear answer. It couldn’t hurt to ask, right? “Komaeda,” Hinata asks.   
“Hmm?” He perked up. Hajime swallows; “What made you think that I think I’m better than everyone?” He questioned. He’s not sure what answer he was expecting but definitely not a laugh. 

Komaeda actually laughs at him. “What’s funny?” Hajime furrowed his eyebrows. “Nothing! Nothing! I just knew you were gonna ask that.” He grinned at Hajime. “Just...it’s pretty fucking obvious. The way you looked at Owari when she said she came up with a sketch layout. You didn’t think she was capable of it. You think you’re better than her.”  
“—that’s out of context.” Hajime defended himself. Surely if Komaeda had seen Owari hang somebody by their pigtails or work with her in a partnered project, he’d understand. 

“What context could justify looking down on someone? Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one that asked,” Komaeda teases. “You think you’re better than me, too.” Hajime felt blood rush to his cheeks. “No, I don’t!” He exclaimed. “You think I’m some, weird, unhinged, delinquent who doesn’t understand boundaries. How could I ever compare to calm, rule-abiding, Hinata? You think you’re better than your friends,” Komaeda listed off like it was nothing. 

Listening to this was like needles in Hajimes ears. Did he...did he really think like that? “I hear what Souda and Kururyuu talk about sometimes. I know they don’t always keep it legal. If someone does something illegal, that makes them bad. That makes them beneath. And at least you have social skills unlike Nanami, right? At least you can stay awake. At least you’re a fucking good person with nothing weird and or interesting about you.”  
“I really don’t think that,” Hajime pleaded. 

They’d stopped walking by that point. “I don’t know how to convince you that I love my friends and I don’t think I’m above everyone.” But Hajime honestly wasn’t so sure anymore. He had flaws like everyone else. He loves his friends. He loved them...right?  
“Here’s the thing; You can’t.” Komaeda sneered. “You can convince yourself anything if you’re delusional enough. You might be able to fool yourself but you won’t fool me. I already know what you are.” At this point, Hajime was a little annoyed. Komaeda wouldn’t even hear him out. 

“Yeah?” He scoffed. “What am I!?” 

“Disgusting,” Komaeda answered with the finality of a death sentence. And Hajime knew he meant it. Knew deep in his soul that Komaeda believed he was ugly and grotesque and unbearable. It was always in his eyes. Hiding there, right beneath the skin. It was in the way he said his name. Like it was slimy and hard to digest. Everything about Hajime was disgusting, and that, in itself, was uninteresting. 

“Okay,” He nodded. “Then take me fucking home.” His teeth were clenched tight. This whole trip was such a waste of time. What did he get out of it? A sore throat from screaming and new insecurities to add to an already long list? Fuck Komaeda. “Fuck you, by the way.” Hajime cursed. 

He was walking back to the car beside his aggravator, trying to stay composed. “Fuck me? Don’t you already want to do that?” Hinata made a horrible gurgling sound. Komaeda just laughed. “Oh no! He knows that I want to fuck him, what am I gonna do!? What am I gonna do!?” He mocked. “Wasn’t it you who assumed I was observant? You should keep your goddamn bedroom eyes to yourself, then. It’s gross.”  
“Stop talking!” Hajime couldn’t believe his ears. He kind’ve wanted to cry. Everything was going so nice, why did this have to happen? 

“Don’t you know when to stop twisting the knife and shut up? I get it, I fucking get it.” He basically throws himself in the passenger. Komaeda looks at him like he’s stupid. “Hinata, if you’re gonna act like a kid, you should sit in the backseat like a kid, too.” This couldn’t get any more bizarre. The whole confrontation felt surreal. “I’m not sitting in the backseat.” He went to pull his tie but found it missing. He forgets about it at that moment. “Yes you are,” Komaeda argues. “I don’t want you getting tears all over the dashboard. This car is expensive.”

“Who said—“ Hajime shook his head. “Who’s about to cry?” Then Komaeda looked at him. His face was pointed and downright mean. “How many times do we have to go over this, huh?” He blinked. “I can see right through you, Hinata. If you ever think you can hide something from me, you can’t. And if you think you’re masking something, you aren’t. I will always know. And I know that you’re about to cry because you're an insecure child who never learned how to deal with criticism properly. So get in the fucking back seat, now. I’m not gonna start the car otherwise.” 

He hurriedly added that last part when he saw Hajime about to argue back. Here’s the fucked up part of all this; Hajime gets in the backseat. He does exactly as Komaeda says.   
Like a kid.   
He realizes, dumbly, that he always does as Komaeda says. Nothing really made sense at that moment. His heart was pounding, he cried exactly like Komaeda said he would, but at least it was at home in his bed when he was less overwhelmed and more shell shocked. He had a lot to think about. 

There was one thing he didn’t have to think about, though. It was pretty much a no brainer; He didn’t want to talk to Komaeda ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm so what did we think of this chapter? Do you agree with Nagito that Hajime secretly thinks he’s better than everyone?


	4. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, dude. That was fast. Where’d you find it?” And Hajime says; “Lost and found,” Because, apparently, lying to his friends was something he did now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Super sorry for the long wait. Our WiFis been off. Enjoy! Thank you to everyone who comments. You guys make my day.

Hajime knew it was gonna be a bad day before it even began. He had stayed up all night lost in thought and was just finally starting to fall asleep when his alarm went off. So now he’s crusty and tired from lack of sleep and can’t for the life of him find his tie. He wore that thing every day, it should’ve been hanging up. Instead, it was gone. Completely vanished and Hajime didn’t know what to do. He could ask his dad for a tie but then that would raise the question where his own tie went which would inevitably lead to his mom screaming at him for being irresponsible and they’d been getting along so good lately. 

He didn’t want to ruin things. So he throws his head against the wall and groans for ten minutes before throwing a hoodie over his button-up. “Ooh, look at you, Haji.” His mom hummed when he came lolling down the hall. She was leaned up against the counter drinking her coffee as usual. “Feeling okay?” She asked. “Yes, just a little cold. I’ll be alright.” Hajime reaches up and grabbed the cereal. His mom looks him up and down one last time and nods. 

“Also, this weekend you’ll be working pedicures. That’s usually where Mimi works and I don’t really like touching people’s feet.”  
“So you make me do it?” He finished. She made a pouty face. “Oh, Haji,” His mom ran a hand through his hair. “Absolutely.” He shook his head at her, continuing to eat his cereal. She continued to tell him about the salon and the new book store that recently opened up two stores down. He listened to her silently. By the time his dad comes around, he’s done eating and ready to go. He spends his car ride to school asleep. 

Souda is at the breakfast table waiting on him. He looked pretty sad, pitifully poking at his biscuit. “What’s wrong with you?” Souda asked when he saw Hajime. What? Was it the hoodie? He shrunk lower into it. “What’s wrong with you?” Hajime redirected. Souda, ever excited to speak about himself groaned. “Things with the wheelchair project are going good!” Hajime cocked his head. 

Not at the title, he knew by this point that the wheelchair project was the title coined for Soudas current commission. But the fact that it was going good and Souda was...upset? “I don’t see how that’s a problem.”  
“Too good!” He asserted. “Sonia's castle is huge, man! The wheelchair has to be remote controlled so Madam Nevermind can get around by herself! Then it has to be able to connect to the stairs so she can scale them up and down.”  
“Is it too complicated for you?”  
“I’m literally halfway done with it. And Sonia's always calling me and complimenting me on my handy work. When I was at her house, she was standing over me watching me work and I got the sickest view of her tits!” Souda salivates. 

Hajime nodded sarcastically. “Wow. You must like her a lot.”  
“I do! I really do!” He continued. “And she's got the best rack I’ve ever seen!” He laughs at himself. It makes Hajime roll his eyes. “Now I’m just confused. I don’t see how any of these things could make you upset.” He reasoned. This whole conversation felt innately useless. He kinda wished Souda would talk about more important things sometimes. 

Then, a little voice in the back of his head whispered at him. It whispered until it got louder and became a kicking shout in his brain. You think you’re better than Souda. This realization sucks the air right out of his lungs. He let his head droop in his hands. Komaeda was right. Hajime thought he was better than his friends. 

It makes him sick. Souda wasn’t always like this, he reasoned with himself, there was more to him than the different girl he thirsted over each month. He was incredibly smart. Unlike Hajime, he passed his classes with flying numbers. He could disassemble and reassemble a car without instructions in less than a couple hours. If anything, Souda was the one better than Hajime and it’s a thought that hits him right in the gut. 

“I’m sorry,” He says out loud because it’s the only thing he could think at that moment. Souda, who was in the middle of explaining that the project was almost over, looked at Hajime with question. “Sorry about what?” He asked. Then he got a worried look in his eyes. He said; “Hey, man. Are you sure you’re alright? You aren’t sick, are you?”  
“No! I’m just...just very tired. I’m having a hard time paying attention to your story,” it’s not a complete lie at least. He still can’t bring himself to look Souda in the eye, though. This whole time he’s been placing himself above the latter when he should’ve been beneath. 

Hajime is absolutely disgusting.

“Well, we can talk about something else If you want! Uh, me and Nanami were gonna go to the skate park after school.” This caught Hajimes attention. He raised an eyebrow. “Neither of you skate.” Then he thought about it again and became even more confused. “Don’t you have really bad motion sickness?”  
“Yeah, so I’m just going as emotional support, y’know? Nanami wants to learn how to rollerblade. Pekoyama and Kuzuryuu might be coming too but we don’t know.” After getting his mind off Sonia, Souda must’ve found himself hungry because he suddenly tore into his biscuit like a pig. “I have a skateboard I never use. I can let you use it if you want. If you’re actually into skateboarding you can just have it.” Hajime shrugged. He felt very undeserving of Soudas kindness all of a sudden. 

“Yeah, that’s cool.” Is all he says. He honestly just wished breakfast would end.  
—-  
Sonia is gravely disappointed in the work Hajime got done yesterday. Forty-five minutes of class and he wrote a paragraph that isn’t even edited. Even Komaeda got more done than he did. The presentation is halfway colored. “I simply don’t understand what could’ve been distracting you so much!” She scolded. Hajime looked off to the side to conceal a yawn. He felt so horrible and he couldn’t entirely explain why. 

But then Komaeda begins speaking and Hajime is reminded. “Oh, Hinata! I wanted to remind you! You left your tie in my car yesterday.” And he smiles like he had the best of intentions. Hajime scowled and went to ask if he had it on him now but Sonia interrupts. She’s got this weird look in her eye and she asks; “What is your tie doing in his car!?” Blood suddenly rushed to her cheeks. “Were you two”—“No, no, no! We weren’t doing anything!” Hajime explained. Komaeda relaxes in his seat smugly, as if this is what he wanted. Of course, it had been. Any chance to humiliate Hinata is a chance he’ll take.

“Well, we sure did something,” He objected. He looked past Hajime at Sonia. “If you want, Sonia, I can tell you all about why Hinata was so distracted yesterday.” Hajime blushed. “Please keep those affairs private,” She bowed. “I didn’t know you two were even involved in that manner.” Hajime couldn’t spit it out quick enough; “Trust me, we aren’t involved in any manner.” He wished that could’ve been the end of it. But Komaeda always had to have the last word. “Are you embarrassed, Hinata?” He cooed. 

“Awe. You weren’t embarrassed yesterday when you were in my front seat. Face red. Heart pounding. Screaming—“  
Hajime bangs his hand on the table. It goes dead silent in the classroom and everyone stares at him. “Mr. Hinata!” Usami-Sensei screeched. Her ears perked up like a rabbit. “Please refrain from distracting the rest of the class with an outburst.” Hajime swallowed. “Yes, Sensei.” He said politely. He wished he could explain himself. Wish he could stop everyone from staring at him. 

Wish he could keep them staring at him more. 

“Everyone get back to work.” She said firmly. With more weird looks and some hushed whispering, class resumed. Sonia looks at him and clears her throat awkwardly. “Well then. Let everyone just calm down and resume working.” But Hajime didn’t get to explain himself yet. “Sonia, I-“  
“Hinata. I do not particularly care nor do I judge what you do in your free time. But as it stands, we have one paragraph done of an essay due tomorrow. So if you’d please, I’d appreciate it if you just let it go so we can move on.” She said respectfully. It was so proper, it almost sounded like she was speaking a different language. But Hajime knew it loosely translated to; “Shut the fuck up and get to work.” So that’s just what he did. 

And if at some point, he catches himself looking up and catching eyes with a smirking Komaeda, no one would ever know and no one would ever believe him.   
—-  
This is how he finds himself, once again, at Komaedas car. He doesn’t say a word as he silently searches the backseat for his tie. He wanted to take his hoodie off. It was too hot and it was killing him. “Am I getting a silent treatment, Hinata? Are you mad at me?” Komaeda taunted from behind him. Hajime kept his mouth in a thin line. He can’t even remember the last time he had his tie. There’s a chance Komaeda was lying about having it all this time and Hajime had just played right into his hand. 

No, but that wouldn’t make sense, would it? Not being able to tell if he was getting played or not only frustrated him more. He groaned and leaned further into the car. “Ugh, just turn around, idiot,” Komaeda informed. Hajime looked at him and in his pale, skeletal hand is Hajimes tie. “I had the idea to put it on a fishing line and make you chase after it like a fish. But I thought you wouldn’t find it very funny,” Hajime just stared at him. He hated himself for this but he wanted to hear him out. “You didn’t find the joke in class today very funny, either. Did it never occur to you that if you just went along with the joke, things would’ve been less weird?”  
“You made it sound like we had sex!” Hajime said incredulously because he still couldn’t believe it. 

“But we didn’t,” Komaeda threw his arms out with a laugh. “That’s the beauty of a fucking joke.” Hajime got out of the car and grabbed his tie out of Komaedas hand. “Excuse me, though. You obviously know what you’re doing. Banging on tables, getting scolded in front of everyone. I would’ve been so embarrassed. You must have a lot of confidence.” Shut up, shut up, shut up. Hajime just turned around and kept walking. He wouldn’t deal with this. Not today. “You look good today, by the way. Maybe you should stop wearing the tie.” Hajime doesn’t respond. 

He doesn’t look back either. He keeps walking till he’s beside Souda and Nanami who were nice enough to wait for him in the cafeteria. He hopes they can’t tell how stressed out he is. And if they had, they don’t comment on it. Souda speaks first, he says; “Oh, dude. That was fast. Where’d you find it?” And Hajime says; “Lost and found,” Because, apparently, lying to his friends was something he did now. It was just this once. He didn’t want them to know about his weird relationship with Komaeda. 

Not even a relationship, really. He was over him, now. Komaeda was the kinda trouble Hajime didn’t need. So he lies to his friends and lies to himself and they start the walk. The skatepark wasn’t that far but it was far enough away that at some point they decide to take an ice cream break. “—And now I want to skate.” Nanami finished. “You know skating in real life is gonna be a lot different than skating in a game, right?” Souda asked. 

The ice cream shop they stopped at was actually pretty crowded so they had to wait in line. “I still think I can do it. I even know some skater slang.”  
“Yeah? Like what?” Hajime mused. He was half listening-half looking at the menu. What sounded good right now? Vanilla, maybe? “Um...in the game you have to go against skateboarders and they call you ‘fruitbooters’ as an insult.”  
“Fruitbooter!” Souda repeated with a laugh. “That’s actually kinda funny.” Hmm...maybe Hajime should try something he hasn’t had before. 

He always gets vanilla, after all. He could do something with chocolate? “How is it funny? It was used in a derogatory sense.”  
“Yeah, I know. But, like, imagine getting called that. Like, who even came up with that?” What goes well with chocolate? Strawberries? Marshmallow? It still felt kind’ve basic. Why was he stressing so much over this?

“Oh, I know who! I googled it!” Nanami explained. “In the nineties, rollerbladers were seen as lame and dorky, so skateboarders and bikers came up with it to make fun of them.”  
“Honestly, that’s still pretty funny,” Souda argues. What’s something Hajime hasn’t had before? Bananas? Blueberries? Caramel apple? It was overwhelming the number of choices they had. 

What went good with caramel apple? Should he just get the caramel apple and nothing else? How were Nanami and Souda just able to know what they want? Maybe he should ask for their opinion. Yeah! Thats it! Once he heard what they’re getting, he can use that information to make a choice for himself. 

“Hey, guys?” He asked. “What ice cream are you gonna get?” Then he explains himself because he didn’t like the look Souda and Nanami were giving him. “Uhm. There are too many choices, I’m having a hard time choosing.” Nanami nodded and leaned forward. They were slowly moving up in line but they were still a little far from the menu. She squinted. “Uhm...probably the mint for me.” She says. How had she been able to choose so easily? 

Hajime hadn’t even seen the mint option yet. “Just by itself?” Souda stuck his tongue out. “I always have to have mint with chocolate and marshmallows. Otherwise, it just tastes like toothpaste.” He continued. “I disagree. If you’re gonna pair mint with anything, it should be fruit. I think I’ll get strawberries with mine.”  
“I’m tellin’ ya that’s gross!” Souda pressured. He, too, took to squinting at the board. “So you’re both getting mint?” Hajime asked. They nodded and continued to argue over preferred toppings. 

Okay, so mint? Hajimes mom usually adds mint to her drinks for health purposes. He’s familiar with it but not in ice cream. Okay, he can work with it. But still, what about toppings? It’s not like he has to get toppings but he wanted to see if he could at least make a decision about something as small as that. Was he just chronically indecisive or was it the fact that infinite choices scared him? 

He pulled on his tie, the motion making him straighten his back. Cmon, Hajime. It’s just ice cream. There’s no need to over-analyze ice cream. No hidden symbolism. No over-arching theme. Just Hajime, his friends, and this damn menu. 

Mint tastes good with fruit, right? He could do blueberries! Maybe blueberries would taste good with the white chocolate chips? That actually sounded really good. But brownies also sound like they could be good with mint. Chunks of brownie with the melted marshmallow drizzle? His mouth began to water. 

Which one sounded better? They both sounded delicious to him. Ugh! He felt his cheeks turn red. There’s no reason for this to be so difficult! “Hinata,” He felt tiny fingers on his arm. He looked down at Nanami. 

“You look really stressed out. Are you okay?” If anything, this just makes him even more embarrassed. Had he been thinking so hard that it started to show on his face? He just sighed. “I can’t...I can’t choose what I want.”  
“For the ice cream?”  
“There’s too many options.” He complained. “How do they even keep those many things restocked?” He chided. Nanami just hummed in agreement. “Dude, why don’t you just get what you usually get? We come here all the time.” Souda pointed out. 

He wasn’t lying. They’ve been here for moderately priced ice cream more times than Hajime could count. “Yeah, and I always get vanilla!” His brow turned down. “It’s boring.” Souda tilted his head a little bit. He had an amused glint in his eye. “Oh shit, Hinata. What inspired that change?” Hajime just shrugged. Around them, the ice cream shop buzzed. 

They move forward in line. “Okay, well...maybe you’re just getting bogged down by all the combinations. It happens all the time when I’m in the blueprint stage of commissions,” He explained with a smile on his face. Soudas teeth were sharp and dangerous-looking but the kindness in his eyes always served as a reminder of how safe he actually was. “How many combinations are you thinking of?”  
“Just two.”  
“Just two? That’s great!” He chirped. He reached into the black hole that he called a pocket and pulled out a coin. Wait, was that a penny? “Where the heck did you get a penny from?” Hajime asked incredulously. 

“Doesn’t matter. Point is; when you can’t choose something, just let luck choose for you. Heads for choice one and tails for choice two!” He announced. Hajime and Nanami watch silently as the American coin slices throw the air and back down into Soudas palm. They all lean in. It landed on tails. “Huh,” Hajime said in awe. It was almost insulting. The fact that a circular chunk of copper could make a decision quicker than he could. 

“That makes things..a lot easier.” He mused, running a hand through his hair. “Totally, dude! So are you ready to order?” At this point, they’re finally at the counter. The cashier smiles at them politely. They look tired and not happy to be there. “Hi! What can I get for you three today?” Hajime orders first, suddenly feeling very confident in himself and the choices he makes. Their ice cream ends up melting while they skate. Nanami holds on to Souda as she gets the motion right with her feet. 

With rollerblading, you had to bring your foot out at an angle and kinda push yourself off. She was struggling with the push-off part. “They made it look so easy.” She pouted as she dusted her butt off. She had fallen as soon as Soudas hands left her shoulders. “I told you it would be different,” He laughed. “We could search up a tutorial if you want.”   
“Please.” She said softly. As they slurped up soupy ice cream, eyes trained to Soudas iPhone, Hajime practiced his turns around the table they were sitting at. 

Souda gave him a pointed look. “Okay, Mr.show off.” He griped. Hajime paid him no mind. He was too focused on the fact that he was surprisingly okay at skating. He wasn’t amazing or anything like that but he learned how to do turns pretty fast. He only fell twice compared to Nanami who would probably be bruised up tomorrow. “Don’t be mean, Souda. Hinatas totally good at skateboarding.”  
“Yeah. Hey, maybe skating has been your secret talent all along.” He almost elaborated but Nanami distracted him by commenting on a basic technique she needed to try. 

Those words stuck with Hajime, however. He moved away from the table and glided around the rest of the park. He liked the way the wind felt on his skin. It was soft and warm. It felt like talent. It felt like eyes that saw him and not behind him, above him, below him. He felt at peace. 

He could do skating at the Ultimate festival! It didn’t seem like much but if he could pick up skateboarding this easily, surely he could do rollerblades as well. Imagine him, the ultimate skater, gliding down a ramp like it was nothing. He could be graceful, he could be interesting. He could be worth the second glance. This hope ends too soon, as the call of his name zaps him out of the moment. “Is that Hinata!?” This voice called. 

He opens his eyes and before he can answer, the ground shifts beneath him. He had accidentally dipped into the bowl. His weight distributed unevenly and he fell knee first into the dip. His face is slammed against the pavement and he scrapes down the bowl with a horrible grunt. He’s aware that he’s bleeding before anything else. “Holy shit!”—he hears. This sounds like Kuzuryuus voice. What was Kuzuryuu doing here? 

He couldn’t really focus on that, though. Currently, the only thing his brain could register was a sharp burning pain in his left eye. His hands snapped to this area of his face, the pressure only made it worse but he couldn’t help but try to shield it. When he pulled his hands away, they were spotted with blood. His heart sank in his chest. He vaguely feels arms wrap around his chest. They pull him out of the bowl up onto the flat pavement. He tried to open his other eye but he realizes that blood had spilled over and soaked into his eyelashes. 

He let out a gargled scream. “Goddamnit, Kuzuryuu!” The person holding him shouts. It’s Souda, he realizes. “Give me your jacket!” Souda commands. “Wh-why the hell would I do that!?”  
“Because this is your fault! Give me your fucking jacket, you idiot!” The sound of clothes shuffling is heard. Hajimes hands are forced over his head and Kuzuryuus jacket is fashioned over his face. “He might be concussed.” That was Pekoyama, no doubt. “Hinata, you aren’t concussed are you?” This is Nanami. 

“No, I’m not concussed.” He said weakly. By this point, he’s sat back at the table, holding the jacket to his face while Kuzuryuu and Souda ran down to the gas station for bandaids and rubbing alcohol. “Well, this is the first time you’ve spoken in ten minutes.” It had already been ten minutes? It felt like barely a couple seconds had passed. Maybe he was concussed. Fuck, his parents were gonna skewer him. “Perhaps it’s because I’m in immense pain?” He said irritably. 

This makes everyone be quiet which he’s kind’ve thankful for. Even the light noises around him added to the headache he felt. The quiet doesn’t last long as Nanami and Pekoyama sprout into hushed conversation. Apparently, Kuzuryuu and herself had stopped at the house to ‘wash up’ before coming to the skatepark which is why they were late. And Hajime had looked so effortless on the skateboard that it shocked Kuzuryuu enough for him to shout; “Is that Hinata!?” Which then causes Hajime to trip and now, here they are. It’s all Hajime can do to lean further into the Kuzuryuus jacket. The world around him is dark, yet he still feels like he’s spinning. 

When Souda and Kuzuryuu get back, the first thing they do is shove some Benadryl down his throat. He isn’t complaining, actually. It makes his head kinda clear for the first time in twenty minutes. He can think beyond the pain. The bleeding under his eye had calmed down. At least he wouldn’t need stitches, Souda said trying to cheer him up. It didn’t make a difference. No nice words could’ve prepared Hajime for when rubbing alcohol touched his open wound. He pulled away with a hiss. 

“Cmon, Hinata. It sucks but we’re trying to help.”  
“It fucking hurts!” He exclaimed. Nonetheless, he ends up with Souda holding his head in place while Nanami cleaned up his face and put a bandaid under his eye. According to her, his eye was blackened. Great. This is what he gets for having hope in himself. The rest of his wounds are promptly addressed and the Benadryl makes the rest of the skating trip bearable. Though, he spends the rest of his time talking to Pekoyama at the table. 

Kuzuryuu and Souda were now both helping Nanami learn how to rollerblade. She was starting to get it but it was still an uphill battle. Pekoyama was actually very calming to talk to. Calming in an intense way. Her voice was soft with a constant sharp edge to it. Protectiveness poured out of her ardent red eyes. They pooled in her hands which found themselves tangled in Hajimes hair as she gave him a scalp massage. “You’re hair is very fluffy.” She spoke. 

Hajime hummed in agreement. It was taking a lot out of him not to start drooling. Out of everything that happened today, from mind games with Komaeda, the inability to make a choice without help, to learning how to skate and ending up with what was probably a concussion, this was honestly like a slice of heaven. Maybe it was kinda weird having Kuzuryuus girlfriends hands in his hair but Kuzuryuu had glanced over and didn’t seem to mind so Hajime wasn’t gonna dwell on it. In the moment, it was just nice to relax and let go. He doesn’t respond to Pekoyama's statement about his hair and she doesn’t seem to mind. They’re content to sit in the shade and let the world continue around them.


	5. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In it, he can see his reflection. His black eye is truly that; black. Patches of blue and purple peaked up beneath his skin. It only drew that much more attention to his swollen eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I’m going home today so lord knows when I’ll have WiFi again. Just wanted to leave y’all with something for the next couple of weeks.

To call what happened next a shit show would be an understatement. It was an absolute cluster fuck of confusion, misunderstanding, and most importantly, compliance. The Hinata families favorite word. Their favorite activity to partake in. How boring. What happened was this; after Hajime got back from the skatepark he noticed his headache hadn’t gone away yet but he assumed it would pass in time. He pops a couple more Benadryl and goes on about his day regularly. He goes to bed. 

Now, Hajime didn’t know this at the time but apparently after sustaining a head injury, it’s important to tell someone before going to sleep. Sleep itself isn’t dangerous but not having someone to check in on you is. Because here’s what ended up happening; Hajime wouldn’t wake up. He’d been asleep by the time his parents got home so they only saw the black eye when they couldn’t wake him up that morning. They did what any normal parents would do and began panicking. So Hajime is hauled off at seven o’clock in the morning in an ambulance to a hospital where he still wouldn’t wake up. It’s revealed that he had a concussion and would most likely wake up before the day ended. 

Hinata Hajime wakes up eight hours later. Eight. He’s in a hospital room with a soft, flowery scent filling his nose. His eyelashes flutter once and then twice and he looks over at his parents. His dad's joy is monotone as usual but his mom practically leaps into his arms. She’s saying something but his ears are ringing. All he feels is an overwhelming sense of confusion. 

He also feels a muted panic. Like he is vaguely in danger in his current position but he’s too confused to understand why. “Where am I?” He asked. His mom answered...right? Did she answer? Why can’t he remember? “...where am I?” He asked again. 

His mom reached out and caressed his face. Her nails drag softly against his cheek. “You’re in the hospital, Haji. You have a concussion,” She explained. He tried to hang on to her words but they kept slipping through his fingers. “Where am I!?” He asked again frantically. His mom's brows turn down. “Why aren’t you and dad at work?” He gritted his teeth. “Mimi just had her baby, there’s no one to open for you...I’m fine, you guys should be at work!” His dad is talking now. 

“You shouldn’t be worried about that right now, Hajime.” His dad assured him. His words go through one ear and out the other. “That’s right, Haji. No need to dwell on things you can’t change.” His arm. When did his mom start holding his arm? She squeezes it as she speaks. “Dad and I can’t go to work today because you got a concussion and didn’t say anything.” She laughed. Hajime wanted to cry. 

“Why wouldn’t you say anything!? I’ve been trying to make it make sense but I can’t! I just can’t fathom why you would just go to bed without saying something!” For the first time since waking up, Hajime can fully hold on to what was being said to him. Slowly, confusion fades to realization. And he realizes that he is afraid. “You wouldn’t wake up! We tried everything and couldn’t get you to wake up.” She’s crying. Hajime made her cry. He is afraid. He shakes his head.

“I’m sorry!” He cried out. “Uhm...you’re right! I should’ve said something, but I’m fine now!” He hoped to god he could convince them. “I’m seriously fine! You and dad should go ahead and open up shop for the day. I can taxi home or something.”  
“Shut up.”  
“I promise nothing is wrong! Everything’s fine, no need to stress out! Everything is okay!”  
“Shut up!” His mom yelled over him. It’s quiet besides the sound of her sobbing. 

Hajime cries too but he makes sure he is silent. He is afraid. A soft knock comes from the door. The Hinatas turn and watch as a doctor slowly steps in. He gives them all a soft smile. “Is everything alright in here? I see you’ve finally woken up, Mr. Hinata.” Hajime doesn’t answer him. “So how are you feeling? Dizzy? Weak? Confused?” He asked. 

Hajime looks at his doctor. “I’m fine.” He says. The doctor doesn’t look very convinced. “You’re fine, huh?”  
“Yes,” Hajime cleared his throat. “I think this is all an over-exaggeration and I should be at school right now.”   
“At school?” The doctor mused. “What time is it right now, Mr. Hinata?” Surely it was early, he thought. 

“Must be...twelve something?” Hajime looked to his dad for reassurance. He shakes his head. “I’m afraid not. It’s around five o’clock in the afternoon.” Holy shit, really? “Do you know where you are?” The doctor asked next. “I’m in the hospital.” He responded obviously. “But I shouldn’t be.”

“What’s the year?”  
“It’s—what does that have to do with anything?”  
“When’s your birthday?” The doctor disregards Hajimes objections. He squints his eyes. “I’m telling you I already know all that stuff! My parents have things that they need to do, they shouldn’t be here right now!” The doctor hums and writes something down. 

“You’re more worried about your parents than yourself. You realize you have a concussion, don’t you?”  
“I don’t have a concussion.”  
“Have you experienced dizziness, headaches, and or confusion?”  
“No, I haven’t.”  
“I find that hard to believe, considering you have a concussion.” The doctor presses. Hajime huffed. Why were they just arguing in circles like this? 

What was the point? “Anyway. Why are you so worried about your parents not being at work?” His mom piped up before he could answer. “I don’t see how that’s relevant, Doctor.” She argued. “How does that have anything to do with him being concussed?”   
“I’m just trying to see a different perspective,” he smiled. “There has to be a reason he didn’t say anything about hitting his head. Isn’t that right, Mr. Hinata?” He looked away. Of course, there was a reason. 

But none of that mattered. “I just want to be home.” He says again. “Are you afraid of stressing out your parents? Would they be more relaxed if you were at home?”   
“Wh-what kind’ve kid purposely tries to stress out their parents!? Of course, I want them relaxed!”  
“Of course!” The doctor repeated. Hajime took the time to look at his mother. She was staring at him. Her eyes were angry. 

And just like that, the calm streak they’d been having was ruined. And it was all because of Hajime. He didn’t feel like talking anymore. “But are you afraid of stressing them out?” Emphasis on afraid. “Does something happen when they become stressed out?” Hajime doesn’t speak. His mind was feeling too fuzzy anyway. He was tired. 

“Look what you did, Doctor. All those useless questions completely drained his energy,” His mom grinned. “My husband and I work very hard to make ends meet, he knows this. So I’d rather you just tell us what we need to do so his head gets better and discharge him.” The doctor made a noise of disagreement. “I think we might keep him here until his IV is completely drained. That way he’s hydrated and rested a little more. Other than that, keep him away from loud noises and bright lights. He should be better in a week or so.” 

Hajime listened dully. He couldn’t believe this was happening right now. He wished he’d never step foot on that skateboard. The trouble those few minutes of hope caused him wasn’t worth it. His mom would never understand. He could explain himself backwards and forwards and his perspective still wouldn’t make sense to her. If he had told his mother that he hit his head last night the result would’ve been the same regardless. 

They wouldn’t have gone to the hospital. He still would’ve gone to bed and he still would wake up hours later in this sterile, tense, hospital room. Hajime decides he's suddenly very tired and faces away from his parents to try and get some more rest. He assumes that this will be the last couple moments of peace he has in a long time.  
—-  
The Hinatas get home at ten o’clock that night. That means his parents officially missed a whole day of work over him. Hajime braces himself for the worst as their car slowly pulls into the driveway. When the car is parked, his dad walks around to open the door for him. He says; “Stand up slow,” because the doctor said moving too fast could make him dizzy. Hajime puts his head down and does as he’s told. The difference in temperature from outside to inside is polarizing. 

Inside his house, It was dead cold. “I’m gonna heat up the Soba from last night.” His dad said with a grunt. He looked nervously from Hajime to his wife. She was looking at Hajime with a tight smile. “Yes, please do. Haji hasn’t eaten anything all day.”  
“I’m fine,” Hajime says as he sits down on the couch. His attention snaps from his mother's pointed expression to the turned-off Tv. In it, he can see his reflection. 

His black eye is truly that; black. Patches of blue and purple peaked up beneath his skin. It only drew that much more attention to his swollen eye. The skin is sore even in the surrounding cheek. He grimaced at the sight of himself. It looked like he got into a fight and lost. “How do you expect to get better if you don’t eat?” His mother asked. He still refused to look at her. 

“After all, we need you better as soon as possible. Considering you won’t be able to work this weekend.” And there it was. Hajime had been waiting on it. He closes his eyes, no longer strong enough to face himself or his mother. His mom sighs and sits beside him on the couch. Her cold, calloused fingers squeezed his jaw and force him to look up. “Do you love me, Haji? Love your father?” The obvious answer; “Yes, of course.”  
“Obviously not.” Her voice shook. Strands of black hair moved in front of her eyes. 

Eyes that were colored just the same as Hajimes but somehow more distant and broken. “You don’t love us enough to stay healthy so you can work. You knew how much we needed you at the shop this weekend. You must hate us,” she continued. “Hate us enough to make us pay for a hospital bill and make us miss a whole day of work. What a rotten fucking boy you are.” Her nails dug into his skin painfully. The flesh is pinched between his actual bone and the acrylic. It hurts enough to make his eyes water but he knows better than to cry. “You guys went skating! I couldn’t believe it when Nanami said that. What on earth made you think you can skate?” She moved her hand away from his face but not on Hajimes behalf. After all, she needed something to mute her laughter. 

Hajime squished in on himself. What a horrible, painful, noise. “I just wanted to try it.” He says. His mom just shook her head. “Haji, you know I love you. But there are talented people and then there are untalented people. Do you think talented people get concussions the first time they skate?”  
“Hagisa!” His father's voice barreled through the kitchen into the living room. “He knows he did wrong, my love.” Hinata Jiroume stated. “Well, I’m not so sure!” She battled.

“What happens the next time he tries to do something out of his capabilities and ends up hurt?” Out of his—what? Hajime wanted to pretend he never heard those words. He had been good at skating, hadn’t he? For just a few short minutes? Hajime had been good and talented and surely capable. His mom disregards and paints over all of that. “Then we’ll compromise for when that moment comes.” His dad debated. 

He shared his hair color and texture with his dad. He shared a lot with his dad, actually. Like his fear of his mother. “You’re tired, sweetie. Why don’t you just go to bed and let me finish with Hajime?” He insisted. His parents had been together since middle school. At this point, all it took was a simple glance for a point to be gotten across. His mom rolled her neck and sighed. 

“I guess I am tired. And I’ll need a lot of sleep if I plan on running two stations tomorrow.” She added that last part as a final blow to Hajime. She calls out goodnight when she disappears around the corner but slams the bedroom door before either Hajime or his dad could respond. He sits on the couch a while longer, making sure to soak up all of his mother’s pessimism, before standing up and slowly making his way to the kitchen. At the table, his dad fills two bowls with hot Soba and sits down himself. Hajime eats the first bowl in record time and excuses himself for a second.   
While he’s standing up, his dad says; “I don’t want you skateboarding anymore.” And with these words comes an air of finality so potent, it pushes Hajime over that final hurdle. He finds himself falling even farther from hope. 

He could argue. He should argue. Rebuttal his father with the Ultimate festival, with finally being better than okay at something. “You didn’t see me before I fell,” he would say. “You didn’t see how good I was.” But at the end of the day, his dad was blind beyond his own perspective. Blind beyond what he considered happiness for his family and himself. “It’s just better this way.” His dad added when he saw the way Hajime paused at the stove.

“Better,” Hajime repeated. He clenched his fists so tight, the nail imprinted in his palm. Then, he sighed and pushed deep down all the bad feelings he had at that moment. He couldn’t tell if he felt lighter or heavier. He couldn’t tell if he felt anything. He wasn’t even hungry anymore. “You’re not gonna eat?” Jiroume asked. 

Even his voice, which was more like a whisper compared to his moms, hurt on Hajimes ears. “Um...I guess not. Goodnight, dad.” If his dad calls after him, he doesn’t hear it, he doesn’t want to hear it, he doesn’t care to hear it, he just wants to go to FUCKING bed. He softly closes his door behind him and envelopes himself in the darkness of his room. The darkness. It feels angry around him. Somehow, someway, he finds himself asleep. And his room, even in the soft morning light, still feels horribly angry. 

He decides to take a shower to start the day, it might help clear his mind, too. For some reason, everything felt really foggy. It was so hard to keep track of thoughts, he realized. How did humans do this normally? It takes him half an hour to make his way to the bathroom. Maybe he wasn’t exactly thinking correctly right now but one emotion remained; fury. And beyond the boiling anger that made him want to kick and scream at somebody like they were dirt beneath his feet; was sadness. 

Hajime, more than anything, was sad. So he takes a slow, cold, shower and drys off in the flat silence of his home. The shower served to kick start his brain so it was easier to process any thoughts that came to him. One that kept repeating itself was music, which was odd. Hajime wasn’t really an avid music listener. Whatever came on the radio was fine, y’know? But right now, all he could focus on was blocking out the horrible silence that plagued the space of his room. 

It felt like compliance. It felt like fear. It made him angry. Which is how he ends up with pop music blasting out of his phone at ten am. He just kinda sat there for a second, staring blankly at the wall. This wasn’t really helping, he decided. Nothing would. 

Nothing would help him. Not if he didn’t actually identify the core of his anger. But if Hajime knew one thing about himself, it was his inability to face the truth. All the more reason for him to take a stand and push himself past things ‘out of his capabilities’. So he could prove her wrong and make her actually acknowledge him. So he turns the stupid music off and creeps down the stupid quiet hall until he’s in front of his stupid parent's door. He studied it hastily. 

The way the white paint on the frame was chipped from a hundred angry slams. The aftermath of a child throwing a tantrum. Hajime shakes his head and puts his hand on the door. He’s afraid but he’s tired of having that feeling control him. The knob turns, the door opens. Inside, the room is normal. Clean. 

It looks like a regular parent's bedroom through and through. But there, in the middle of the wall, protected by a glass box, was a trophy case. How many were there? Twenty? Thirty? Hajime took a step closer. He never understood why his mom had decided that over their heads was a good place for her trophy rack. 

Perhaps she wants to always be reminded of who she was. Or she’s just waiting for the night that the nails come loose and she can go out with a bang. He scrunched his eyebrows. What a horribly morbid thought. He stands as close as he can now, so he can stare right in the eye the reason his mother won’t allow him hope. The closest accolade read; Ahitan Hagisa, runner up solo performance ‘95. Hajime couldn’t help but frown. 

He felt the way his lips pushed deep into his cheeks. His mother, once a graceful ballerina, now a hateful stubborn bitch. He threw his head back. “I can’t think like that.” He scolds himself. Besides, his mom really wasn’t that bad. As long as Hajime didn’t do anything for himself, things were fine. So all he had to do for the rest of his life, was never allow himself to grow. 

Sounds easy enough, right? He glanced back at the trophy case. Hajime suddenly had a crazy compulsive thought. It makes him ball up his fists. He stares at the trophy case for a while longer. It felt like it was staring back. Finally, he sighs and turns on his heel. 

It was just a stupid thought. That’s all it would ever be. Hajime closes the door, maybe a little too hard, and makes his way back to his bedroom. He ends up on a group call explaining his situation to his friends. They’re sympathetic, of course, and offer him company if he wanted it. He did want it. But he turns it down anyway. 

He spends the rest of his afternoon in bed, blasting movie after movie at full volume.  
—-  
Would you like to know how Hajime spends his Sunday night? With his parents, together in the living room watching some low-budget soap opera with mediocre acting. And he smiles at them and they smile back and it’s quiet enough to where he can hear his heart beating in his chest. But he ignores it for his parent's sake. He’ll ignore everything, including himself because that was simply the way of the Hinatas. 

Suppress and ignore and forget and comply, comply, comply. His heart beats louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We get a look into Hajimes home life!


	6. Disgusting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite how squished his chest felt, he managed to speak; “Wh-who likes being called d-disgusting? I-it’s derogatory.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the long wait!

The reward for doing mediocre research and a half-assed paragraph is an A. Hajime got an A on a project he wasn’t even around to help present. “Do not sweat it!” Sonia expresses when she sees his face droop. “I heard what happened with the skateboard and your head. I hope you are feeling better, by the way!” Her eyes linger on his black eye. Hajime thanks her for being so nice. But he knows he didn’t deserve her kindness. He didn’t deserve the A. He’s so caught up in self-loathing that he doesn’t think about Komaeda. 

He only realizes this once he’s at home and surrounded by quiet. He’s pretty proud of himself, actually. He wonders if he can keep it up the rest of the week. The short answer is; yes he can. After Komaeda sees he can’t get a rise out of Hajime anymore, he’s content to leave him alone. It makes Hajime happy but also weirdly empty. No, no, not empty. 

Because that implies that he had temporarily filled some aspect of Hajimes life. He was nice sometimes but most of the time he was weird; that was all it was. The school week goes by smoothly and his friends are there to make sure his head injury isn’t worsened. It’s actually kinda sweet, the way they talk a little softer around him and bring him water when he needs to pop a pain killer between classes(people also tended to stare at him because of his eye, he doesn’t admit that he likes the attention). It was nice. His mom went easy on him this week, too. 

Only offhandedly insulting him instead of outright. His dad always off to the side watching quietly, ready to intervene if things got too loud. The waters were calm but they couldn’t stay that way forever, unfortunately. The wave that crashed on Hajimes Saturday was strategic in the way it systematically destroyed every structure he’d built up. He sits pondering in the backseat of the car. It’s nighttime and the way the city lights pass by are akin to the way thoughts raced through his head. He looked at the piece of paper in his hand one more time and closed his fist. 

He’d already made a decision.  
—-  
That morning had actually been very uneventful. Hajime already knew he’d be going into work that morning so he took time to set an alarm and be ready with his parents. “You ready, Haji?” His mother called to him. She stood at the door, trailing behind his dad who was already heading to the car. She looked at him expectantly. “Yes.” He says. She smiled softly and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Alrighty, then. Make sure you aren’t forgetting anything. Let’s go.” After considering her words, he walked out to the car and hopped in the backseat. He was actually excited to see the shop again. It’s been about a month since he’d last been. The car ride is quiet and boring and when they finally make it to the plaza, Hajime practically throws himself out of the car. It was squished between a pizza shop and a general store; ‘Hinata Manikyua And More!’ The ‘and more’ part was in English to attract tourists. It worked but it also served to supply his mom with foreigners who she could make fun of with Hajime later. The sign was also decorated with a decal of an extended hand. 

At night, it became light up and gave off any color depending on what setting it was on. Though, it was mostly on rainbow these days. It was his parent's silent way of saying they support him. The corners of his mouth twitched. “Here. Go ahead and turn the lights on, I have the stuff to get out of the car.” His mom handed him the keys to the store. He nodded and rushed up to the door. The key slid in and the knob turned. 

Inside, the smell of acrylic and lavender is heavy and strong. It’s a little too dark to see so he flips on the light switches one by one until the store is fully lit. Now that he could see, he took it all in. The nail design choices on full display above the waiting area. The thrifted lamps and curtains make it feel less like a salon and more like home. He took the liberty of drawing the curtains as he was pretty sure his parents wanted that done anyway. His dad and mom quickly make their way inside and before he knows it, they’re open for the day. Hajimes parents had trained him in pedicures but he also knew the basics of nails. Whenever he wasn’t hyper fixating on people's toes to avoid awkward eye contact, he was helping prep clients nails for the actual painting. 

It was hard work and took a super steady hand but it was nothing he wasn’t used to. Plus he was getting paid for this and who didn’t like getting paid? While he’s making a mental note of how he should divide out his paycheck, the door chimes. He hears his mom give out the standard greeting; “Hello! We’ll be with you in a moment!” Whoever comes in doesn’t respond. Hajime doesn’t think much of it. He files down his current client's nails, sands them, and dusts them off. “Mom,” Hajime summoned. 

“This one’s ready.” His mother cracked her knuckles and walked over. She had been in the middle of a mini-break. “Thank you, Haji. Please go help that young man over there get situated.” He nodded. Even before he sees his face he knows who it is. Komaeda looked like nobody Hajime knew. Hajime had just now noticed that his eyes had specs of green in them. It was just drowned out under the gray. His hair was wild and wavy, cut sporadically as if he did it himself. Something about him was so mix-match and thrown together.

And yet, Hajime found him inexplicably attractive. “So the sign outside does not lie.” Komaeda smiles. Beside him is a plastic bag, it looks heavy. “Lucky me.” Hajime wastes no time with his response. “Hello, sir. What is it that you’re wanting today?” He sure hopes his voice is steady because he was inwardly losing his shit. What the fuck was Komaeda doing in this part of town? What the fuck was he doing in his parent's salon? 

“Sir? Oh, I see.” Komaeda laughed and shook his head. He peered past Hajime into the work station. “How much for a pedicure?”  
“Five thousand yen.” He answered promptly. “Then I’ll take that.” Komaeda decided. And this, you see, is how Hajime ends up on his knees staring at Komaedas feet. Everything about this whole situation was incredibly weird. Questions continued to race around Hajimes head but he knew he couldn’t act on anything. 

Because then that would completely invalidate this whole week of ignoring the other. It’s this thinking that makes it easier to begin his work. “You look pretty good on your knees, Hinata.” Komaeda began. What a great opening line, Hajime thought. He pinched his lips in a line and continued to work. Just focus on the feet, Hajime, focus on cleaning them. “Cmon, I’m joking. Why don’t you joke about me, next? I know my feet are pretty ugly.” He wasn’t lying about that. 

His feet were oddly angular and flat on the bottom. The nails on his toes were also sharp for some reason. Hajime had never seen anything like it, he’d have to file them down. He loses himself in the work. It was almost easy, you know? To forget whose feet he was caressing. But then Komaeda started violently wiggling his toes. 

“Hinata...” He drawled. A little bit of water splashed up and hit Hajime on the forehead. “Hinata!” Komaeda called again. “Please stop moving your feet,” Hajime said softly. He glanced up to see if his parents were seeing what was happening. They did not. He frowned. 

Komaeda continued to wiggle his grotesque, bony toes in Hajimes face. He grabbed them and pushed them down. Once Komaedas feet were secured out of the way, Hajime looked up at his client. Trying to seem stern in such a compromising position was more difficult than Hajime had thought. “Stop moving,” Hajime ordered. “Otherwise I have the right to refuse you service.” He hoped to high heaven that Komaeda didn’t call his bluff. Instead, he watched as his face twisted up into a shit-eating grin. 

It’s unfair how even at an angle like this, Komaeda looked angelic. “Whatever you say, Hinata. I’m just glad I got you talking to me again.” Hajime felt blood rushing to his cheeks. He was embarrassed to be stared at like this, on his knees no less. The whole situation was embarrassing. He shot his head down and stared at himself in the water. “Don’t hold your breath.” He watched his reflection say. “This doesn’t mean I’m not still ignoring you.”  
“But why would you do that?” Komaeda asked, feigning innocence. No, not feigning it, it was more of a mockery.

“Because I said I would,” Hajime determined. Then, he realized that technically this was still a pedicure and he had a job to do. He begrudgingly placed Komaedas feet back in front of him and continued with filing down the weird, talon-like toenails. “You know, like you said you wouldn’t insult me to my face anymore but you did anyway.” He said out of spite. He still couldn’t seem to move past that(you think you’re better than everyone else). Hajime had never been torn down like that before. Komaeda sighed. “Don’t act so high and mighty, Hinata. You lied to me, too.” Hajime tried to seem unbothered, he said; “Yeah? How so?” 

Because he genuinely couldn’t think of a time he purposely lied to the boy in front of him. He tried to convince himself that it was just more Komaeda bullshit. “You said we were friends,” He said slyly. His words were elegant and practiced, yet effortless in the way they break Hajime down. Like he had already been brittle to begin with. “You must not have seriously meant that if it’s so easy for you to just ignore me all week.” He laughed softly. Hajime continued mindlessly with the filing. 

He was dumbfounded. Like, he DID say that. He had insisted on it, actually. But Komaeda said the same thing and he went out of his way to hurt Hajimes feelings. That’s not something friends do either. “But it’s okay, honest! I’ve already forgiven you.” Komaeda finished. Hajime didn’t know anymore. Things in his head have gotten so confusing since he met Komaeda. The fact that he was forgiven over something he never apologized for, is low on the list of ways Komaeda screws with his mind

He looked up at Komaeda and squinted. “What are you even doing here?” He asked. That had been puzzling him since the moment Komaeda decided to show his pale, acne-scarred face in Hajimes place of work. “Dont worry, I wasn’t stalking you or anything,” Komaeda begun. “I heard about this new locally owned book store opening up over here and I came to support a small business. I love reading, you see. Check the bag if you want.” 

“My hands are wet.”  
“Well, when you dry them off.”  
“No, it’s fine. I believe you,” Hajime stopped him. “I’m glad. Because I’m not lying,” His client spoke. “But anyway, I’m on my way into the book store and I see the name outside this place; Hinata. And I thought, no way it’s the same one. But luck was totally on my side because it was. I didn’t actually want a pedicure but I kinda had to once I saw you working here.” Of course, it was completely coincidental, Hajime scowled, completely up to ‘luck’. Just a happy little coincidence that found Hajime on his knees massaging the feet of someone that, just a week ago, made him cry. He looks at his reflection again. This time it’s obscured by Komaedas feet. “So, your family owns this place, huh? That’s your mom and dad over there?” He questioned. 

Hajime nods. “Yeah. Usually, there’s another person but she recently had a baby and is taking family leave. My parents are looking for another person to hire.” His throat feels squished. “What if I applied?” Komaeda said cheekily. Swiftly, Hajime throws him a wide-eyed glance. He didn’t even mean to look so shocked but even the idea of that was out of the question. In response to his worried expression, Komaeda laughs like he usually does. Like he finds it amusing but not because it’s funny. “I’m not going to, don’t worry. I think I’d distract you too much if we actually worked together,” He figured. 

Hajime instinctively went to defend himself but couldn’t make an argument that made sense. His heart drums against his ribs. “Yeah, whatever. Just don’t apply.” He says instead. “I said I wouldn’t! Cmon, why don’t you trust me?”  
“I have no reason to trust you,” Hajime stated. He tried to focus himself on the pedicure but just like always, Komaeda continued to be ridiculously distracting. “I guess thats fair,” Komaeda curled his toes away from Hajime. This must’ve been his way of getting Hajimes attention because next, he said; “But I want to at least try.”

“At least try what?  
“At least try to gain your trust,” Komaeda claimed. “I want to be your friend. Do you believe me?” Hajime shrugs. “Not really,”  
His heart pumped with confusion. How was it that Komaeda could be so mean one moment and then say stuff like this the next? “You don’t even like me.” It was a truth that hurt to say. “Did I say that?” Komaeda asked innocently. Stupidly. Hajime squeezes his eyes closed. “You said I was disgusting. It’s basically the same thing.” Komaeda made a humming noise and then laughed a little. 

“I think you grossly misunderstood me, Hinata,” He began cooly. “I only said that because I knew it’s what you wanted to hear.” Hajime was properly annoyed at this point. He scoffs out loud. “Awe, don’t make that noise. Would you rather have me call you boring or average?”  
“But you did call me that.” He reminded. Komaeda drew in a breath. “Yeah, and you hated it. You hate being called boring more than you hate being called disgusting,” He informed. “I could even say you kinda like it.” Komaedas words send chills up and down Hajime spine. They climb down his arms to his hands and make his palms hot and sweaty, they travel to his chest and make it tight and hard to breath, they work their way up to his mouth and drain all the moisture till it’s dry to the touch. Komaedas words, his absurd truth, never fail to push Hajime to the edge of sensory-overload. 

Despite how squished his chest felt, he managed to speak; “Wh-who likes being called d-disgusting? I-it’s derogatory.” Around him, the temperature changes. He’s suddenly very cold. “Derogatory, huh? You seem to remember a lot of what I said that day. Do you remember what else I said?” Komaeda asked, picking at the corners of his mouth. “I said that I can always see right through you. That you can’t hide stuff from me,” He reminded. “You can’t hide that you just like the attention. Doesn’t matter if it’s derogatory or not. You just want someone to pay you attention,” Komaeda said softly. Tenderly, his words lift Hajime up and pull him close. “Do you want me to give you attention, Hajime?” Before space can be closed between them, Hajime is pulled back down to his body and forced to remember where he is. It was abnormal, the way Komaeda managed to fill his senses to capacity. 

He sits there, thoughts empty, for another couple of seconds. Then, he feels a hand drag across his cheek. “Hey,” the hand is surprisingly warm. It travels down his cheek, under his chin and forces him to look up. He’s looked Komaeda in the eyes a hundred times before, yet, something is different this time. He somehow looks softer. “Are you alright?” He asked like he cared. 

Hajime shook off Komaedas palm and pulled his hands from the water, giving them a shake. “Uh. Yeah.” He took his towel, dried his hands off, and then Komaedas freshly pedicured feet. “We’re done.” Hajime swallowed. He stood up and his knees screamed at him. He ignored them. “Huh, really? Wow.” He gasped, pulling his feet up to look at them. “These look like completely different feet. You’re really talented, Hinata.” Hinata, huh? 

So he was back to being formal. “Uh, thanks,” Hajime said awkwardly. He couldn’t bear to meet Komaedas eyes. Not after feeling his tender fingertips on his jaw. It’s not fair, Hajime squeals in his head, it’s not fair that the same person who made him feel so small and disgusting; is the same person who softly touches his face and fills some part of him that he never knew was empty. “When you put your shoes and stuff back on, I’ll ring you up at the desk.” He scratched his neck. Technically his parents were supposed to handle the transaction of money but they looked pretty busy. 

He was just doing this to help his parents, that’s the only reason. “Sure thing.” It doesn’t take long before Hajime is opening the register and depositing five thousand yen in cash. Things are awkward and it’s most definitely Hajimes fault. His heart is still fluttering in his chest, refusing to calm down even as he tries to give Komaeda his cashback. “Thank you! And, ah, I’ve got something for you before I go.” Hajime rose an eyebrow. “Something for me?” He watches with question as Komaeda digs through his bag for something. “The little bookstore was having this opening day sale, right? For every four books you buy, you get one free. So I got an extra copy of the murder mystery I planned on reading first.” As he said this, he pulled the said book out. 

It was a chunky book, definitely not a short read. The cover was minimalistic, completely white with hot pink blood splatter. In the middle was one word; Danganronpa. Komaeda held it out to Hajime. He hesitated to reach for it. “You really got this for me?” He couldn’t help but ask. This whole situation felt too good to be true. 

Komaeda nodded and smiled. Hajime is reminded once again of how well a smile fits Komaedas face. A smile that wasn’t cold or derogatory in any way. Another thought crosses his mind in sync with this one, though, something completely parallel. The thought that Komaedas cold and derogatory smile wasn’t that bad to look at either.

Hajime blushes profusely. “Thank you.” He says, pulling the book towards him. “You’re welcome! Consider this our first step towards an actual friendship! We’ll be reading this book at the same time. I also left you something on the front page.” Hajime went to open it but Komaeda put his hand on top of it. “Look at it after I leave.” He instructed. Hajime nods and gulps. “Thank you again.” He says as Komaeda begins to exit the store. Hajime couldn’t help but be excited for him to leave. 

“No problem. Hope your head gets better.” Komaeda winked. The door chimes as he slips back outside. Hajime watched intently as he disappeared from view. How did he know about his concussion? He probably just heard it from someone else at school. He did sit near Souda and Kuzuryuu, right? No matter, now that he’s gone, Hajime can open the book. 

Laying comfortably on the front page is a little scrap of notebook paper. On it, is what Hajime can only assume, is Komaedas phone number. His lungs flatten in his chest and he slams the book back closed. “Haji?” His mom called from her station. He cranes his neck to look at her, she was giving him a questionable look. “What are you doing, son?” She asked, having heard the book slam. That ever-present edge in her voice that said; choose your answer wisely, but even then, it might still be wrong. 

Hajime straightened his back. “Nothing. About to clean my station.” There was no hiding the book but he made sure to fold the notebook paper in his pocket and just put the book on the shelf underneath the register. For the rest of the day his pocket burned. A constant reminder that he had a choice to make. Was he gonna text it or not? He didn’t know. Despite everything that Komaeda had said today, Hajime still didn’t trust him. 

He hated himself for wanting to. This is how he finds himself in the backseat, staring at the number so hard. He wished he had someone to consult this decision with. But Hajime was just too impatient. He couldn’t wait till he was out of the car to hear someone elses opinion and he couldn’t do it now because he had forgotten his phone at home during the morning. So he pondered and pondered for what felt like hours. The ride back home is fairly quick and by the time Hajime reaches his room, he has his phone in his hand with Komaedas number typed in and pulled up. 

Hajime really shouldn’t be doing this. He saves the contact anyway. He dwells on what he should say for a long time. What he ends up sending is; ‘Hey, Komaeda. It’s Hinata.’ He waits for Komaeda to answer for a long time. It proves to be in vain. Komaeda doesn’t respond all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed. What was your favorite part about this chapter? Least favorite?


	7. Deleting this later

Hi everyone. This isn't a normal chapter, obviously, and will be deleted later. I have lost access to chapters 7-10 of On The Edge Looking Up so the next update won't be for a while. I'm just telling myself that it couldve been way worse and that its nothing to re-write four chapters. I'm just letting you know that I'm not giving up on this story despite the inconvenience. Thank you guys so much for your comments, your kudos, and the love. Please bare with me as I work to fix this mistake.

Mars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. If there are any budding fanfic writers reading this, please learn from me. Back your chapters up on something reliable and connected to your email so that if you lose your device, you still have access to your stuff. Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Everyone! Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! What are your thoughts so far? Any parts in this chapter that caught your eye?


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